Divorced Women: Sized Up & Judged by Married Women
Sonya looks incredible at age 43. Having recently become a marathon runner and dedicated herself to an intense training regime, she has a figure – and a muscle/fat ratio - most of us would give our eye-teeth for.
But Sonya is also divorced. And just because of the ’D’ label, she has had to deal with something most divorced women face : being ‘watched,’ judged and gossiped about by women who are married or have boyfriends.
It wasn’t just the weird vibe and glances she got from two married friends at work. The sting even came from a family member – a married cousin, who dropped condescending comments about her ‘singleness”, her ‘fancy clothes’ and how she goes out “all the time” (which wasn’t true).
But the most hurtful and surprising incident happened with a dear girlfriend. Sonya and a group of friends had gone on a picnic over the weekend. And when Sonya returned from a long mid-day run - sweaty, red-faced and wearing her running gear, her girlfriend’s husband lewdly commented to his wife on Sonya’s killer abs and perky breasts. Naturally, Sonya’s girlfriend got angry- but not at her rude husband like you’d think. Instead she directed blame at Sonya, saying she was deliberately flaunting herself and trying to tease her husband.
Unfortunately, I had an ugly incident occur similar to Sonya’s: six months ago, a neighbor friend of mine blindsided me with accusations of wanting to steal her husband and break up her family. Her totally false accusation not only hurt me, it sent me reeling. Is this what I should expect now that I’m a ‘divorcee’? I wondered sadly.
But I gradually came to realize that this ‘confrontation’ wasn’t about me or anything I had done wrong. It was all about my neighbor - her marriage, her sense of self, her insecurities. The same can be said for what happened to Sonya: the gossiping, the condescension, the anger, all belonged to them. Sonya was just a super easy target because of her beauty – she’d be considered a ‘threat’ even if she were married.
Perhaps you’ve experienced the same ‘watchfulness’, judgment, and gossip towards you since divorcing. Or maybe they only lurk as fears at the back of your mind. Just remember that when or if it happens to you, do not take ownership of other people’s emotional garbage. Their ugly words and actions are meant to serve as mirrors to them and their lives. OUR mirror lesson is to be proud, accepting and loving of who we are, regardless of how others label us or try to bring us down.
Hmmm…that seems to be an ongoing lesson the universe wants to test me on. What about you? Has your backbone gotten straighter and stronger under all that scrutiny, too?
4 comments
I certainly remember some of this, during divorce, and in the first few years after. It’s terribly uncomfortable to gradually be nudged away from friends, at the time you need them most.
And a bit silly, really. But so often true.
One of the things that happens to us post-divorce is that we find ourselves in new ways. Sometimes that includes losing weight, reinventing our style, trying out new behaviors and seeming to be a new woman that is, to old friends, uncomfortable. So yes, we worry them on some level, though we shouldn’t. We’re still ourselves, even as we’re changing and trying out new wings.
I moved after my divorce, so facing my ex wasn’t an issue. But eager to make new friends, I started going to church. I was put into a class with people my age, most of whom were married. After a couple of months there, I still hadn’t experienced that warm and fuzzy feeling of new friendships. One Sunday my group began happily discussing the dinner party they had all attended the night before. It was apparently a group social. But no one invited me. Then it hit me. They were all happily married couples and I was “that divorced woman.” That moment of realization hit me hard. It hurt. I was being ostrasized for being single. Halleluah.
I have been going through a painful divorce for the past year and a half, and it seems like there is no end in sight! My soon-to-be-ex abandoned me and our three children and emptied the bank account on his way out after making love to me the night before. To top it off he had a girlfriend too, I never thought he’d have the time to have an affair! I now realize what a narcissist he truly is, but along the way what hurts me a whole lot, is the friendships that I have lost with some of my girlfriends. I have made new friendships with some wonderful, strong women who are all going through similar situations in my age group, early 40′s.
I have found that my old “friends” who have not been very supportive of me through this difficult time of my life, seem to have underlying issues of their own which may be the reason why they cannot empathize with me. One friend decided years ago to take her husband back after he cheated on her; that was her decision she made and I continued to love and support her. Yet when I was faced with this life altering decision to make and chose to pursue a divorce, she shut me out of her life and told me she could no longer be my friend. It hurts to loose a spouse and another life long friendship, but I guess that comes with the territory of living in divorce land.
I have other “friends” totally avoid me in social situations. I did nothing to them! Over the past year I have really blossomed and bloomed, you could say…I have become a stronger woman, inside and out. So yes, I think in some ways some of my married friends may feel unnecessarily threatened, but in reality I believe deep down they are insecure with themselves or with some other aspect in their life or marriage which they cannot face. It may be the courage they now see me having, after living through this hell which may be something they could never do.
We cannot control how other people are going to react to our divorces, but we can try not to be too attached to friendships that cause us more needless pain and suffering. My backbone has some weak spots, but I have tried to keep it strong by not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Lisa, I’m sorry to hear you lost a close friend in the process too – it’s not what we’d expect eh? But you’re right – what happened to you is hitting her triggers and bringing up really uncomfortable feelings in her that she may never want to face.
If it’s any consolation, I’ve found over the years that some friends who distanced themselves (for similar reasons), eventually came back into my life – it was if we needed personal breathing room. Of course, at the time, it hurt…but when they aren’t on the same page of life, they need to go into self-protection mode and deal with things in whatever way they can. It can very disappointing, I know…but I suppose it’s necessary for them.
I’ve been amazed at how married women have come to confide in me over the past year, even though when I first divorced, they kind of distanced themselves somewhat. It’s as if I’m ‘safe’ to talk in other ways – they know I’m a symathetic ear because I made the choice to end my marriage and am living what they wonder about. Again. my point is that time can bring people around…as well as introduce us to new friends who are on the same page as us and are willing to explore (and giggle) with us as we venture into singlehood again.
You are stronger and wiser than you were. I’m so glad you recognize that, even if your life may not be totally organized. It can be very exciting when small pieces of our lives and selves fall into place again – it’s like we realize for the first time we’re way more than we ever knew possible! We really are amazing, even if it took a divorce to teach us that!