Survival Mode: “Existing” Post Infidelity & Divorce
“Hang tough Delaine – things are going to better. You really are better without him…”
Many, many times I heard these words from girlfriends when I found out my ex was cheating. I knew they were right, that at some point things HAD to get better. But while in the throes of my grief, those words felt empty - nothing but sterile, void sylables. For I felt like a shell of a woman…numb and shattered on all levels of my being.
I’d been betrayed before by men – in high school and university. But the pain of marital infidelity was beyond compare. We’d built a life together, had children, and I’d trusted him with ever ounce of my heart and soul. How COULD he? How COULD he jeopardize all we’d created together, stuff that was so meaningful and important, just to get his rocks off?
I couldn’t comprehend it. It was a full-blown mind-body-heart attack that bludgeoned and shocked me to the core. In my mind’s eye I could actually see my heart in two pieces. My chest ached, the rest of my body felt entirely numb, as if all blood flow had been cut off. I looked at the world around me through the eyes of a lost soul within flesh, cut off from my body’s sensations, imprisoned by my skin. I couldn’t eat, weight poured off me, and I couldn’t sleep. God…nighttime, how I hated it. No matter how exhausted I was, my brain would ruminate incessantly, trying to problem-solve, so anxious to help me find my True North. I just wanted to turn it all off; to curl up in my darkness of Rock Bottom and disappear.
But I kept going – I existed, and ‘did time.’ At the back of my mind a little voice kept saying, “Just – keep – going.” I had no idea where I was headed and quite frankly, I didn’t even care – all I felt was numbness. In my mind’s eye, I could see myself trudging, chin down, through a dark, hostile Wilderness, arms dangling, with the burden of my sorrow on my back. But strangely, sometimes, from above the treetops, I’d catch a glimpse of my Higher Self; She was still with me, I hadn’t been abandoned, and it was She who was pushing me forward. And I wondered: had some part of me CHOSEN to arrive in this hellish Wilderness? There HAD to be a bigger reason for it all, didn’t there?
I still don’t know the exact nature of that reason. In fact, I’m still not even sure where I’m going. But I know that time continues to be a saving grace and reveal things to me when I’m ready. And looking over my shoulder, I have a new yardstick as to far I’ve come and how strong a woman I really am. And I wouldn’t have learned these things had my world not completely shattered and forced me to reconstruct from scratch.
So with my body as my guide, and a smile that I can now feel, I continue onwards. Through the ups and downs. Over the hurdles and unexpected obstacles. This year of my life has been like a school of hard knocks, one of tough self-love. And the one thing I know for sure is that I’ll never settle for a life of mediocrity again.
(written at the end of Year One post-divorce, Delaine Moore)
5 comments
THANK GO I FOUND THIS WEBSITE
I AM NOT ALONE
I AM 42 , GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL WITH A LOT TO OFFER
OK SO, ME AND MY HUSBAND COULDN’T HAVE KIDS 10 YEARS AGO
HE’S IN A MID LIFE CRISIS LEFT ME 3 MONTHS AGO
I GOT A LAWYER,
I WAS SHATTERED, DEVASTATED, BUT I LOOK VERY GOOD ,THERE IS A 33 YEAR OLD WHO I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET TO KNOW, HAD A FLING WITH A MAN WHO IS OBSESSED WITH ME – HOW DO I GET RID OF MY EX WHO “ISN’T SURE HE WANTS A DIVORCE” NOW THAT I GOT A LAWYER?
THANK GO I FOUND THIS WEBSITE
I AM NOT ALONE
I AM 42 , GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL WITH A LOT TO OFFER
OK SO, ME AND MY HUSBAND COULDN’T HAVE KIDS 10 YEARS AGO
HE’S IN A MID LIFE CRISIS LEFT ME 3 MONTHS AGO
I GOT A LAWYER,
I WAS SHATTERED, DEVASTATED, BUT I LOOK VERY GOOD ,THERE IS A 33 YEAR OLD WHO I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET TO KNOW, HAD A FLING WITH A MAN WHO IS OBSESSED WITH ME – HOW DO I GET RID OF MY EX WHO “ISN’T SURE HE WANTS A DIVORCE” NOW THAT I GOT A LAWYER?
Sheila:
First off, I LOVE the way you describe yourself! His crisis obviously didn’t strip away your self-esteem, which is what happens to so many of us.
Are you sure, sure, SURE you’re done with your ex? Prior to his crisis, were you happy with him?
Getting back out there on the dating/sex scenes can be very exciting and a real high. And I too, have explored the younger man attention which is lovely (to say the least).
But I always caution anyone recently separated to enter another serious relationship of any sort – having fun is one thing, loosing yourself in the euphoria of a new relationship is another. Cause the euphoria passes and the real stuff usually isn’t fun and sexy at all.
If you REALLY think you need to get rid of him then you have to keep telling him till he gets it and use the arm of the law if necessary.
Did he leave you for another woman? Cause oftentimes these sudden ‘crises’ are motivated by a third party interest – maybe it died out quickly…?
Please just proceed carefully. It sounds like your emotions (and hormones:) have hit some peeks and valleys. It’s a dangerous time to make major decisions. Three months from now, you may feel differently…maybe just say you want a break???
Please keep me posted as things progress. I truly hope you find happiness!
Delaine
Sheila:
First off, I LOVE the way you describe yourself! His crisis obviously didn’t strip away your self-esteem, which is what happens to so many of us.
Are you sure, sure, SURE you’re done with your ex? Prior to his crisis, were you happy with him?
Getting back out there on the dating/sex scenes can be very exciting and a real high. And I too, have explored the younger man attention which is lovely (to say the least).
But I always caution anyone recently separated to enter another serious relationship of any sort – having fun is one thing, loosing yourself in the euphoria of a new relationship is another. Cause the euphoria passes and the real stuff usually isn’t fun and sexy at all.
If you REALLY think you need to get rid of him then you have to keep telling him till he gets it and use the arm of the law if necessary.
Did he leave you for another woman? Cause oftentimes these sudden ‘crises’ are motivated by a third party interest – maybe it died out quickly…?
Please just proceed carefully. It sounds like your emotions (and hormones:) have hit some peeks and valleys. It’s a dangerous time to make major decisions. Three months from now, you may feel differently…maybe just say you want a break???
Please keep me posted as things progress. I truly hope you find happiness!
Delaine
Thank goodness time doesn’t stand still! It is feeling the pain over the passage of time that helps us heal. I never thought I’d feel better. I have come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Hang in there! Thanks for sharing.