“Bad Men” Bring Us Tremendous Gifts
Almost all women at some point in their lives attract a ‘bad man’; some of us marry him. And by ‘bad,’ I’m not simply referring to men who are drug lords, pimps, or wife abusers. No, “bad men” are men who don’ treat us and love us as wonderfully as we deserve. They are, as Sarah Breathnach puts it, “spiritual disgraces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”
It can be hard to identify the spiritual ‘gifts’ our bad men have brought us – especially if they cheated and left us for another woman. When everything first erupts, we’ll call them ‘bad’ and mean it literally - venomously. Blamefully.
But as I’ve moved forward on the divorce timeline, I’ve begun to revisit my marriage from a different place – a place that takes responsibility; not for the choices he made, but for the big life lessons I needed a ‘bad man’ to teach me.
The lessons I’ve excavated are so poignant and obvious to me now, I seriously think that our union was divinely orchestrated for my soul’s higher good. Here are some of the ‘biggies’ I learned:
1) I am a pleaser and will bend myself into a pretzel to keep my man and other people happy. My self-posed question post-divorce is : What makes Delaine happy?
2) I am big-time left-field thinker. And I need to be with a man who cherishes that in me, not one who ridicules me for it.
3) I deserve to be loved in ways that are meaningful to me. And though I appreciated my ex buying me gifts and wanting to do things together (which were things he wanted to do, like riding dirt bikes and going to bars), I need love to be expressed through language too. I love words. I love self-expression. And how they are said are as important to me as what is being said.
4) As much as I believed in the beauty of ‘family’ and working as a team with my ex, I was left vulnerable taking on the huge task of stay-at-home mom. And though I am so deeply grateful for all I learned in this role, this is not ALL of who I am – Delaine has dreams…big dreams.
These are but a few of my personal epiphanies. And as time moves forward, I’m sure there will be more. But as Sarah Breathnach said, these ‘bad men’ are meant to teach us to learn to love ourselves. So I’m making the time to learn that, instead of rushing into my next relationship to find a sense of worth or purpose. And because of all my hard inner-work, I trust that the next man I fall in love with will be a Good Man.
6 comments
Wow, did you hit home with this one. You made me see my marriage to the “Bad” man as something good, something to push me to the new heights of self understanding. Thank you, Delaine. I really loved this one.
~Wanda
agree, this was an exceptional post.
It helped me see how much I’ve learned and grown due to my ex “bad man.” It also helped me see that I have more lessons to learn. The main one being that, at times, you have to be bad back at them.
Oooo, Cathy, I like that – “..be bad back at them!” Sounds like a plan. ~Wanda
Delaine, I’m having trouble with the part about the bad man being necessary or being a “gift” to teach you lessons. Why not take all the credit yourself and chalk it up to a bad choice. You chose the “wrong man” as did I. The “gift” was the children that union produced.
Shalyn, what do you learn from “taking all the credit?” The gift they bring us is emotional pain that leads to self-reflection.
If you choose the wrong man once, you will do it two, three and four times until you work through what it is about yourself that is causing you to choose the wrong man.
Yes, our children are a blessing and a gift. The gift we can give our children is to learn to love ourselves and stop making bad choices in men.
I learned that I was unhappy with my choice of husbands, that it was up to me to change the situation I was in and that I had enough common sense to get the hell out of a bad marriage. No one gave me that. I took it and ran. I refuse to give a “bad man” credit for my having enough courage to make better choices, end a bad relationship and improve my circumstances. Each of us makes decisions based on our individual personalities, needs, circumstances and situations. None of us can speak on behalf of everyone or for all divorces. I can say that he never cheated on me, although I have felt the pain of betrayal and infidelity in other relationships. I would almost rather he cheated. What he did was humiliate, brow-beat, manipulate and control me. Yet I blame myself even for that. I gave him that control. I allowed him to manipulate me. No one can intimidate us without our permission. We give them that control. It’s up to us to take it back. I was so programmed to please him, that I never stopped to ask why no one was putting out any effort to please me. I had to take that step for myself. I reclaimed my freedom and independence. He didn’t give it to me. I wanted it. I earned it. I took it. I refuse to give him credit for my present happiness.