They Just Weren’t That Into Me!
I read the book and last night, I saw the movie. And “He’s Just Not That Into You” clearly revealed how I’d kept my head WAYYYYY up in the clouds when it came to men – my ex-husband included.
Time and time and time again, throughout my dating and married life, I have made excuse after excuse for men’s behaviours. Seriously - you name it, I had a list ready. For example: He hasn’t called because:
- he’s busy
- he’s too sick
- he’s playing it cool
- he’s upset
- he’s travelling
- he likes me too much
- he’s not ready
- he lying hurt somewhere in a ditch…
You get the gist.
The TRUTH in 99% of these cases was that he simply wasn’t interested in me; he didn’t ‘dig’ me the same way I dug him. And in my husband’s case, he wasn’t ‘calling me ‘ cause he’d dug his way into some other woman’s pants.
Last night, as my girlfriends and I did post-movie analysis over cocktails, they too fessed up to this kind of thinking; they’d ‘complicated’ what really was a simple message from men: Take a hike sweetheart. We’d all mistakenly assumed that men are as complex as we are, that they have ‘alternative motives,’’ that perhaps we even understand these poor, penis-packing creatures better than they do themselves. HOGWASH. The bottom line is that when a man is ‘into’ you, not even a herd of elephants will stop him from calling you, wooing you, and trying to bed you.
But the big ‘aha’ moment of this movie was not around the male psyche, rather, it was around women’s – that is, how we, as great girlfriends, do each other a huge disservice by telling stories of happy endings in situations that are heading nowhere fast:
“Oh you know Donna? Well she has a sister who’s VERY happily married. And apparently HE didn’t call her for three months after their first date.”
“Well a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend of mine DID end up cheating with and marrying a married man. He HAD to leave his wife for her – their love was that of soul mates.”
Good God, did anyone notice that these stories only happened to strangers? That these stories were the exception, NOT the rule?
As great girlfriends, it’s our job to take the high road and speak the hard-nosed truth to one another instead of feeding each other’s wanton, futile daydreams. Even though it might PAIN US to do so, we must disallow one another from wasting our hearts and energy on illusions; we deserve to move on, expect more, and FIND more.
So the next time I go out with a man and he doesn’t call me for a week (not that I’ll be counting carefully), it’ll be “Adios Muchachos”. The next time he can’t make the 20-minute drive to my area of town for our third date cause he’s “just soooo tired”, it’ll be me giving a backhanded raspberry. And gosh darnit, the next time I (gulp) marry or have a serious relationship with a man with who starts “going out with the boys every other weekend to get drunk and fall down”, I’ll obligingly tell him he can do it EVERY weekend…as I kick his butt out the door.
This girl is FINALLY smartening up.
Delaine
8 comments
I think as women we are programed to make excuses for people…especially men.
I spent years in a marriage with a husband who didn’t like sex. I intellectualized it to hell and back. I told myself it was because of the way his mother raised him. I told myself it was due to his low testosterone levels. I told myself everything but the truth.
The man just wasn’t attracted to me sexually. When a man is attracted to you he is going to have sex with you regardless of what his mother did to him or how low his testosterone level is.
Not complex at all!
Cathy, I just love your tell-it-how-it-is approach. You state it so simply, right to the point.
I’m not sure if it’s my age or my divorce or both that are enlightening me, but I’ve certainly reached a point where I am SO done with my daydreamy ways AND men’s bullshit!
My “tell-it-how-it-is approach” can get me into trouble at times. Doesn’t it Wanda?
Delaine, this article is brilliant! My sentiments exactly! What settle for less? Kudos to you!
sorry to intrude, but this caught my attention……..”And gosh darnit, the next time I (gulp) marry or have a serious relationship with a man with who starts “going out with the boys every other weekend to blow off stress”, I’ll obligingly tell him he can do it EVERY weekend…as I kick his butt out the door.”
??? he is not going to be “allowed” to go out with the guys even once in 14 nights??. don’t you ever go out with your girlfriends? sounds like some heavy-duty apron strings. good luck with that.
You aren’t intruding edgar. The problem isn’t going out with the guys every other weekend.
The problems is going out with the guys but never with the wife.
My ex used to travel a lot. He was out and about having a great time. Only problem was, when he was home all he wanted to do was look at four walls. That kind needs to be kicked out the door.
And I should clarify as well Edgar that my ex only came to town every other weekend, if that! Obviously I didn’t make that clear in my article and I can’t expect any one on here to know that.
He worked away in the oil fields, which meant he was gone about 80% of the year. And he’d go out every other night, if not every night, to bars while I stayed at home to tend to our three kids under four. I felt sorry for him, like I was cooping him up and denying him his need to burn off work stress if I didn’t give him his late-night freedom.
I don’t believe in apron strings whatsoever. I don’t want to police a man. But I also now know that when a man needs to go out on his own every other night… he ain’t just drinking!
I know I have chased men before and it never works.