The Results of a Divorced Father’s Biting Words

Over the past couple of months, Shelia has been quietly optimistic around her ex-husband’s relationship with their children, particularly their 10-year-old son.  For you see, since this past September he has been taking their kids on sleepovers twice a month – a  HUGE improvement over his ‘maybe’ once- every-four-to-six-weeks track record. He even began volunteering as an assistant coach for their son’s hockey team.  And this has pleased Sheila to no end – her son wants a close male role model so badly in his life.  And he’d give his eye-teeth to win his father’s approval.  

But…(shaking head)…sometimes we get our hopes up to high, don’t we?

On Saturday afternoon, her ex picked up their son and took him to his hockey practice.  When her son returned, he joined Sheila in the kitchen to tell her about his “tough practice” and to share how excited he was for Sunday’s game.  Sheila listened to him talk with a smile on her face.  He LOVES hockey, and the fact that he’s sharing it with his dad makes it all the more special.   ”I sure hope dad can come to tomorrow’s game,”  he suddenly added.  But then:  ” Actually…I hope he doesn’t.”

Shocked, Sheila turned and looked at him. ”I can’t do anything right with dad,” he exclaimed.  “He hasn’t said ‘good job’ to me ever, mom, not even once.  He always tells me everything I do wrong.  He says I play really bad and that I need to get on the puck.  He says my skating totally sucks and I just know he thinks I’m terrible hockey player!” 

Tears were welling in his eyes; Sheila could see he was speaking his truth.  He continued : “So I don’t want him to come to my game.  Why should he when he doesn’t think I’m any good?”

With an ache in her chest, Sheila ran in to do damage control – or at least, she did her best.  She reminded him that it’s his father’s nature to be critical; that even if her son made millions of dollars and played for the NHL, his dad would still probably make biting comments.  “But your dad loves you very much and is proud of you,” she insisted.  “He just doesn’t know how to express it.”

Her son was nodding his head, but Sheila could tell he wasn’t buying it.  For her son is becoming aware now – he’s growing up and he won’t swallow the overcompensating smiles and excuses she’s made in past to try and preserve his relationship with his dad. 

So Sheila tried again: “Does your coach ever say ‘good job!’?  Do the other assistant coaches ever tell you when you made a good play?”

“Yes,” he said.  “All the time – they’re great, just not dad.”

She leaned in, “Then you need to listen to them, son.  THEY are the ones who know the truth.  You ARE doing really well at hockey and your skating and puck handling have already improved immensely.  Heck, it’s your first year and you’re already playing on a team with kids who have played for three years – that’s pretty darn good, don’t you think?”

“I know you’re right, mom,” he replied.  A small smile played at the corner of his mouth.  But as he left the room she could still feel his ache; that, and her own overwhelming sense of helplessness.