LUST: Damned if you give into it, damned if you don’t
As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing. For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him. “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed. “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!” So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked. “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”
Now let me clarify something here: Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates. In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held. But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship. And if a woman wants ’serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there? Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:
1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex
2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and
3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another.
These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging to follow The Code (espeically rule #1) and keep hormones in check (and YES guys - women can feel this way too!).
So what ’should’ we do? Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?
To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t.
Why We’re Damned If We Do Sleep With Him
First, even though it’s the year 2010, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly, that alone might kill his interest. Yes, it’s the old school, I-want-a-’Good-Girl’ thing, which is unfair and judgmental. But this kind of thinking is still alive and well so our being ‘branded’ is always a risk.
Secondly, if we have sex early in the relationship – say, after the fourth date - we are at risk of having our brains consumed by what I call the ‘Lust Cloud.’ Even though we don’t really know our partners, the Lust Cloud will fill in the empty spaces with what we ‘hope’ the other person is instead of who he really is. All our senses are heightened, the world seems to dance in vibrant color, as our newly-released passion courses through our veins day and night. So powerful is our passion, so intoxicated are we to taste it again, that our drunk minds overlook warning signs and convince our hearts to start dangerously wondering: Might this be true love? Phew – talk about distorted thinking! But in live-time, it’s hard not to ride that train.
Why We’re Damned If We Don’t Sleep With Him
Saying ‘no’ to sex early on in the relationship can bring on a whole other slew of challenges. Number one, as my girlfriend Amy’s date story showed, it can be mentally and physically frustrating NOT to act on our strong physical desire. Sure, it depends on the woman and her libido – but hey, don’t judge her if hers is greater than yours; not everyone is good at going months (or years) without sex.
Secondly, if we fight off our desire to have sex with him early in the relationship and slowly come to the realization he isn’t The One, didn’t we, in a way, just miss out on a potentially fantastic, short-term sexual relationship? Isn’t there something to be said for enjoying any kind of passion we experience, even if it doesn’t turn into True Love? Again, this depends on each individual woman and what she can handle; I’m not going to tell anyone what’s best for her. But I will point out that sex is a normal, healthy, beautiful experience whether it’s experienced under the canopy of ‘like’ or ‘love.’ And ALL our sexual experiences can be used as tools to teach us something about ourselves, our bodies, men, and even life.
Thirdly, if we wait a long period of time before taking a new partner to bed, we run the risk of them being, well….a lousy lover. I recently heard the story of a 35-year-old divorced mom who didn’t have sex with her new man for three months. By this point, she was in love with him and they were making serious plans for their future. When they finally decided to make love, it turned out her partner had serious erectile problems – he’d had them for years. Look where following the Rule Book got her…(shaking head); would you want to be in her bed?
Tossing The Rule Book
No matter how many happy couples you poll, you’ll hear of ‘happy endings’ from those who had sex right away, as well as from those who waited months. So in the end, I think it’s important that we not get too caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ of a outdated rule book that guarantees nothing except feelings of upset or guilt when we follow it and it doesn’t work out. My only real conclusion at this point is that one should exercise a little bit of caution, a little bit of restraint, and work at being a BIG bit happy with herself and the choices she makes. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make some ‘well-made mistakes’ as I try to find my new Mr Right, than make ‘well-made excuses’ for how I’ve lived/not lived my life.
But for those of you who might find yourself in the same situation as for my ‘frisky’ friend Amy, who’s STILL determined to wait till the third date before having sex, I’ll advise you in the same girlfriend way I did with her: The next time you see him a) don’t shave you legs or bikini before going out. And b) if you’re ovulating, for God’s sake, cancel!
5 comments
Delaine, this article completely describes what I’m wrestling with right now! The urge to fulfill my need for affection and well, sex, and the “rules” of developing a relationship. I have also had in mind that article you wrote about wanting to be earned by a man. Seems to be a delicate balancing act. As frustrating as it is, I have been learning so much about myself. Thanks for the article! Good to know that this is on the mind of other women.
It describes the dilemna I’m in too! There’s a voice in my head saying I’m ‘suppose’ to do certain things and not others and I’m constantly wrestling with it. I like to think that regardless as to whether or not we have sex early or later, we’ll both give the other a chance to reveal the many parts of who they are…but it’s true, the double standard and judgement against women is still alive and well. I’m starting to think that as much as we try to set paramenters and controls around who we date and how we act, the whole thing is just a roll of the dice!
Carrie, I’m with you 100% on this one. I think most of us ‘this time round’ are trying to make good and sensible choices while we date cause we don’t want to make stupid, unnecessary, and painful mistakes; we want to get it RIGHT this time! But what I’ve noticed (about me, anyway) is that I’ve had a dangerous tendancy when things go wrong with a man I’m dating to blame myself and wonder what I could have/should have done differently. And truly, I’m sick and tired of that and it’s not healthy.
What works with one man may not work at all with another. So I think it’s important we don’t take things TOO personally and we continue to figure out and focus on, what we DO want and who we are. I really do believe that if a relationship goes sideways at any point it’s cause we aren’t meant to be with them and that’s the universe nudging us to get back out there cause someone better for us to still to come.
I so enjoyed this article…there is a fine balance to setting the intention with a man in such a short time. And sexuality being huge (in my book), you do want to get peek at least before you consider if it suits you. BUT my absolute favorite is that you refer the craziness of OVULATION, which for women is either recognized or a hidden driving force that some can mistake for “LOVE”.
Love your stuff.. laughed out loud.
And as a 40 year old women who has been independent for two years with three kids, I appreciate the work you do in helping other fellow sisters- YOU ROCK!
I think men and women both, at various points in life, are apt to confuse sex with love, not to mention sex with lovemaking. And all manner of variations in between.
Fabulous sex does not = love, though if it’s been awhile (since fabulous sex OR love), and there’s caring for the person you’re in bed with (always lovely), feelings may be difficult to untangle.
Sounds like “What a beautiful thing to say” works well. Having been in this situation, it is, indeed, awkward. But if one of the parties genuinely is in love, and the other isn’t, sometimes it becomes an insurmountable barrier. And great sex + caring, unfortunately, goes out the window.
Intriguing subject.