Guilty or Not Guilty? False Representation In The Bedroom
When my divorced friend Barb moved in with her new boyfriend two years ago, she promised herself she’d make their relationship - particularly their sex life - top priority. So in addition to their 6-10 weekly sessions of dynamite sex, Barb ALSO decided to make every Friday night all about his – and only his – sexual pleasure.
Now I’m sure you’d all agree that Barb’s new ritual was very generous. If you’re like me, you may even wonder why SHE didn’t get a night devoted to HER in return? But Barb wanted to go the extra mile to show her boyfriend how much she loved and desired him. Moreover, during their normal love-making sessions, he was always so generous in pleasuring HER (and teaching her new things about her body) that she wanted to make him feel extra special,too.
But believe it or not, trouble has brewed in Sexual Paradise. Because instead of thanking his lucky stars for a sex life most men would die for, her boyfriend has become, as Barb puts it, “sexually lazy.” In other words, he has STOPPED pleasuring HER as often and with the same enthusiasm as he did before.
I find his reaction baffling; I just never thought that anyone (particularly men?) would take great sex for granted. I mean, if someone was going THAT far to show their love to you, wouldn’t you give it your all to make sure he/she was happy and satisfied too?
Obviously and with good reason, Barb was growing more resentful and upset at her boyfriend’s behavior. She said she felt he’d “falsely represented himself in the bedroom.” After all, she’d been passionate and enthusiastic from the beginning of their relationship – and that’s who she continues to be to this day. He, on the other, had presented himself as one way, only to ’fall back’ into a less-generous kind of lover. And right away, I started wondering how often this happened with couples; that is, they start out their relationship or marriage having lots of sex only to have one person lose interest/enthusiasm: maybe kids came along or some other life variable choked his/her interest. Is this excuse enough? Is this false representation in a way? Or does the person whose left wanting sex have unrealistic expectations of a maturing relationship?
Barb – always a woman to say she how feels, even when it’s tough, finally couldn’t take it anymore. She told her boyfriend straight out that his behavior was hurting her and that she could no longer, out of a sense of love for him or herself, continue on with their Friday night ritual. And I must say I admired her courage and ability to communicate her needs. That wasn’t an easy thing to say, and she could have chosen to bury it or blame herself for his disinterest and allowed matters to plunge into a dangerous downward spiral. But instead she chose to speak up, honor her needs, and give him the chance to fully understand how she was feeling. Perhaps this is something many of us can learn from…
And how did her boyfriend respond to her confession? Well, as of yet, let’s just say that BJ Fridays have still been indefinately suspended. But she’s sighing and smiling a lot more already….
7 comments
All I read throughout this was how each side was really in it for themselves.
For him, once she started well um, “having steak on Tuesdays” he gave up on his efforts… which told me the only reason he did it in the first place was to get her to want to do things for him… hence his actions where out of selfishness and not the good kind.
He didn’t do that for her, he did it for himself (it was for the hope of more later, which he got). Guys rarely rock women’s worlds with only the woman in mind. They do it, so that the woman feels like she needs to return it by showing her love for him.
You want a guy who rocks the woman’s world only for her? He gives her a night, and never once mentions it, never talks about it, never received anything at the end of the night. Never does anything about it. Then you had a guy do it just for you, and for you alone. And then, he will do again later at a random time… and then again… it’s never brought up again. Actions will always speak. Words in this case will only cause confusion and make you feel like there was alterative motives.
And as for her, she did it too. She started serving steak on Tuesday’s and then what did she do? She wanted more from the week day events. She stopped the Tuesday’s because he wasn’t up to the task of making the other nights happen.
This whole situation reeks of selfishness on both parts. She may have started out by wanting to show him how much she desires him, but in the end… she wanted something in return.
And yes, guys can and easily will, take things for granted. Human nature states that we all want the easy way. If we aren’t careful everything we do can lead to laziness and that includes love.
Here is how it should be done. One, never focus on yourself ever. Love and passion from these events is when both sides are 100% focused on each other and not themselves. And then both worlds will rock. Two, if your going to do “the special tuesday” don’t do it in hopes that you will receive anything, do it because you wanted too.
And when guys do the same thing, don’t do it with hopes of receiving anything. In fact, I’ve found that women find it very, very hot, when it’s all about them and you don’t even try to do anything for yourself…
Good issues brought up here.
I could probably count on one hand the number of times a man has wanted to devote a ‘session’ just to me. Funny though, it happened many times conversely. I think I’d feel guilty if it was all about me. Is this a difference between the sexes? Maybe. I think men often feel more entitled to receive whereas women want to be the givers.
AS for false representation, that’s a tricky one. When kids come along, many women’s sex drives plummet and with good reason given all the extra stress, responsibilities, sleeplessness, body changes etc. I don’t think it’s fair for a man to claim she falsely represented herself when she’s not as interested during this time. I think he needs to stop thinking about himself and pitch in more to help out so her well-being and sex drive have a chance to stabilize.
Bringing up stuff like this in the bedroom is very personal and can be extremely difficult to express to a partner. I must say I admire your friend for her courage; maybe something to learn by.
I think it’s good that Barb was able to notice the change and speak up for herself. After all, isn’t that what being in a relationship is about? Sometimes things change when you’re with someone for a while, and not always for the better….but I think that if the other partner doesn’t like those changes, then they do have a certain responsibility to speak up for themselves.
As a man I understand how we can take things for granted. but it does sound as if Barb was trying too hard to make her boyfriend want her more. I am not trying to sound like a male pig but we feel that if a woman is willing to please us and we don’t have to do much then that is how it should always be. So when she pulled back, he probably felt like she had a problem. I understand her side of the story, but he probably doesn’t because she changed, not him. I will end with this… Sometimes it is better to make your man work for nights like that. We definitely appreciate it more.
I think Travis hit the nail on the head. Maybe I am a rarity as far as men go, but I’ve always believed that sex is something you give, not get. If each partner has that attitude, most sex related problems would be self resolving.
While I appreciate the efforts, did Barb truly believe that 6-10 times a week would be sustainable? Come one people…let’s get realistic here. People get tired from life/work and fatigue sometimes causes the ‘mood’ to fade. Never mind a house of children, possible health/stress issues, and so on.
And lets knock off the scheduled evenings!! Spontinaity might assist the issues too!!
But Barb did communicate and that is half the battle. I hope her partner was also honest with her as to why times may have changed.
Hi Katherine,
What I can tell you of Barb is that in her previous relationship (her marriage), she was left for another woman and primarily for a sexual relationship (which died soon after she and her husband split). Barb is very upfront around admitting that much her sex drive stems from her need to ensure that no man ever leaves her again for sex with someone else.
Also – she insists that once your body is trained to want sex, you want it all the time: )