“I Grew Balls”: How One Wife Confronted The ‘Other Woman’ To Find The Truth

Posted by Delaine - March 9, 2010 - Deciding to Stay or Go, Infidelity, Support & Girlfriends, Surviving - 17 Comments

divorced woman balls courageIt wasn’t until ’she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him… 

until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “He’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  – who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.””

It was at this point that Pam realized that she’d never hear the full truth through her husband; nor would sleuthing through phone records or emails concretely answer her questions.  In her mind, there was only one risky choice still available to her: confront the other woman.

Part of you might immediately think Pam’s choice was crazy.  I mean, aren’t you suddenly envisioning two women screaming and rolling around in a cat fight?  How could such a scene NOT happen?  By all practical reasoning, wasn’t Pam setting herself up for more hurt… more drama?

But Pam had more guts and smarts than I gave her credit for.   A scene or an emotional release was not her objective whatsoever; getting answers WAS. She knew she needed to be calm, inoffensive, even compassionate when she spoke to her.  She was even prepared to cry and pull on the other woman’s heart strings if necessary.  She also knew that time was of the essence: she had to move NOW while everyone’s emotions were high and her husband and this woman hadn’t had time to collaborate stories.  And off she went, pride in her stomach, to the ’other woman’s’ work place – a bar…

At first, the woman kept saying that she and Pam’s husband were just really good friends; that they were important to each other, and had helped each other through some hard patches. But there was ‘something’ in this woman’s eyes – (hurt?) –  that caused Pam to press on – patiently.  Compassionately.  And eventually, the thread of truth started unravelling from this woman’s tongue:  they HAD slept together, though “not often.”  But ‘frequency’ didn’t even matter.  Pam now knew her husband was a liar and a cheater.

Pam and her husband are now two years into their separation.  And Pam, who has weathered her divorce with the heart of a lion, and strength of a warrior, can’t help but grin when she thinks back on that confrontation in the bar.  ”I still can’t believe I did that,” she says.  “Where the hell did I find the balls?”

And I smile.  It’s amazing how people’s true colors shine through during crises, don’t you think?