Do you ever wonder if divorce and/or infidelity have ‘hardened’ you?  I don’t mean ‘hardened’ as in “made you stronger.”  I mean as in, “encased you in a shell of mistrust and bitterness towards the opposite sex.”

Cause that’s what happened to me; I wasn’t even conscious of it at the time.  Truth is, to this day, I still sometimes struggle with it.   And I find it kind of scary – cause even though these feelings are a natural part of the grieving process, I can see how it would be easy to get stuck in them for too long.  Some people never move beyond them… right?

I started building ‘walls’ between myself and men somewhere around eight months into my divorce.  I’d already been out there dating for a few months by that point – which was more like me running around with my heart on my sleeve trying desperately to find a ‘replacement partner.’  

But by the eight-month mark something shifted in me.  I’d become more comfortable with the dating scene and realized I didn’t need to ‘panic’ - I even gave myself permission to  fully ‘explore’ what the dating/sex scene had to offer.  At the same time, however, I began processing my divorce/infidelities.  And my ‘walls’ started going up – with ANGER and FEAR OF BEING HURT AGAIN acting as chief foremen.  

My Anger proclaimed that I’d never again be a man’s doormat - not even for a moment – as I had in past relationships and in my marriage.  Never again was a man going to rip my heart out by fucking other women behind my back; he’d never get close enough for me to care.  Never again was I going to be the one who chased men,  who spent hours daydreaming over ‘what might be’ –  hell, figuring out men was a waste of my time and an insult to my purpose for being alive.  I resolved that if a man wanted me, if he was TRULY worthy of me, he would not only pursue me with every ounce of his being, he’d have to be brave enough, strong enough, to blast through my walls and swoop me up… (read more here)

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When my divorced friend Barb moved in with her new boyfriend two years ago, she promised herself she’d make their relationship - particularly their sex life - top priority.  So in addition to their 6-10 weekly sessions of dynamite sex, Barb ALSO decided to make every Friday night all about his  – and only his – sexual pleasure. 

Now I’m sure you’d all agree that Barb’s new ritual was very generous.  If you’re like me, you may even wonder why SHE didn’t get a night devoted to HER in return?  But Barb wanted to go the extra mile to show her boyfriend how much she loved and desired him.  Moreover, during their normal love-making sessions, he was always so generous in pleasuring HER (and teaching her new things about her body) that she wanted to make him feel extra special,too.

But believe it or not, trouble has brewed in Sexual Paradise.  Because instead of thanking his lucky stars for a sex life most men would die for, her boyfriend has become, as Barb puts it, “sexually lazy.”  In other words, he has STOPPED pleasuring HER as often and with the same enthusiasm as he did before. (read more here)

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Smart.  Knowledgeable.  A ‘no bullshit’ kind of woman.  This is the kind of girlfriend/ e-friend I think every divorcing woman needs to have in her corner during her divorce.

I’m not saying it’s the only kind of friend we need.  There are those whose shoulders we cry on, those who provide spiritual insight, those who make us laugh, and so on.  

But divorce oftentimes requires us to be stronger and smarter than we think we are.  Some matters even require us to be tough.  And depending on where you’re coming from, in terms of both your marriage AND your life experiences, your tendency (and character) may be to put everyone else’s needs before your own, let fear and worry keep you stuck, and let good intentions and lots of prayers alone decide your destiny.  THAT’S where the support of a smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit girlfriend comes in. (read more here)

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It was only in hindsight that Gail realized that signs of her husband’s cheating had been present for months: in the bedroom.

“Out of blue, he kept trying a new sexual position,” said Gail.  “I thought maybe he’d seen it in a movie or something.  ‘C’mon,’ he’d say, ‘Just put these pillows under your hips, I know you’ll love it.’  And when I tried it – and didn’t like it much - he acted completely disgusted, like there was something wrong with me.  Guess he assumed that since ’she’  loved it, I would too…”

For Deana, it was her husband’s suddenly-slow ability to orgasm.  “A few times when we’d made love, I’d even thought, ‘Wow, this is taking a lot longer than normal’  And “Strange this is taking so long cause he’s been out of town for weeks.’  But I guess that’s what happens when you’re getting your fill, plus some, with someone else.” (read more here)

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It wasn’t until ’she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him… 

…until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “I think he’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  - who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.”” (read more here)

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His comments caught me totally off guard:

We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ’spice.’  And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”

But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up. 

First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’   Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with:  “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”

But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t, but his divorcing friend Bob DID.  And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob. (read more here)

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Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?  (read more here)

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