To Change Or Not To Change The LOCKS After Separating
Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise: his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room. “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually. “I tried calling you earlier. Didn’t you get my message? I didn’t think you’d mind…”
But he did. In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him. What if he’d been with another woman? What if, what if, what if? But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs. Still, he ended up saying nothing. After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’ He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…
Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce: When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed? Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex…
But take Deana’s case as another example. Despite girlfriends’ insistence she get the locks changed, she kept brushing it off. She thought her doing seemed mean; that it was a sign of ill-will towards her ex. Six months into her divorce, after she and her ex had their first ‘bicker’, she went into her garage only to discover he’d hauled away all the camping gear as well as a bunch of her gardening tools and sporting equipment. “I had to learn the hard way,” she sighed. “I never thought he’d steal from me and the kids.”
In Deborah’s case, her ex’s behavior was creepy and caniving. Like Mike and Deana, she wanted nothing more than to have an amicable divorce and felt a lock change totally unnecessary. But around the one year mark, when things turned sour over finances, she discovered her trust had been sorely misplaced. “Go look for the hole drilled into the filing cabinet in your office,” he ex emailed her. “I taped your telephone conversations. You’ve had quite the dating life…”
My advice to you is to put a lock change at the top of your to-do list after you separate. I KNOW it may feel mean or uncomfortable or unnecessary at first. But the reality is that at some point during your divorce, you and ex are NOT going to like each other very much; probably MANY times actually. And there is ‘business’ that needs to be tending to during divorce: changing the locks are but one thing on that list.
Do NOT put your head in the sand and hope for the best. NO ONE likes to think that their divorce will turn nasty or that their ex would ever stoop to any lows. But think of it this way: you thought you’d beat the odds and stay married too, right?
23 comments
Having been a receiving end of changed locks. (it happened the day I left, by the new boyfriend) I can say, it really helps with the separation. And makes it easier to sever those ties. There is nothing wrong in doing so, and it makes it clear to all people involved.
It’s over. You don’t have free reign, and doing so will violate a law or two.
Even if things aren’t bad, it’s just a good idea. It gives you that symbolic effort that are moving on.
WEll said Travis. Cause there’re definitely many small doors that need to close during the process that, when added up, help severe the attachment. When it’s done it’s done…so why drag anything out?
Well..I have to say that is great advice. My ex is just to much of a wimp to do anything….that I know for sure.
I thought about getting the locks changed. But my children have keys to the front door, and I think they would let their father use them if he asked. Or possibly, he wouldn’t even need to ask. He could just take them and get them copied while the children are staying at his place, if he felt like it. So I think changing the locks would actually be pointless.
Changing the locks is sometimes a good idea, because you are right… at some point, usually when the property/money negotiations are going on, things can get dicey. However, in my state, the marital home is the marital home, and both parties have a right to access to the home unless there’s a court order saying otherwise. As a family law attorney, I tell my clients they can change the locks, but their spouse can also break a window to get in if they want to and not get in any trouble…. again, because it’s the marital home. I assume this is true in most states. just wanted to make sure your readers were aware of this. The best thing to do is to get an agreement that whoever is in the house has “exclusive possession” and the other person will not come onto the property without invitation or permission… nice to be respectful that way!
OH MY GOD! i’m so glad you posted this. My friend’s ex bought a sports car..but won’t pitch in any extra money to pay for their daughter’s INHALER every month. and my ex…OH MAN..
I have heard non-stop whining about his financial situation since the day i met him. I gradually realized he made ok money, but spent like a drunken sailor. but i never knew exactly what his financial situation was until recently when i got his financial statement through our child support battle…OH MY GOD!
Ok, he’s not a millionnaire…but openly admits he spends more on booze and smokes, or seperately on dinners out, than he is offering me in child support. but BEST of all, he spends almost $700 a month on his car. Wait! I can’t afford a car…i take the bus! I spend less than one month’s “car” spending on an ANNUAL bus pass! the point is…he’s not really BROKE he just can’t budget or prioritize. I suddenly don’t feel so “sad” for him anymore.
after reading the article and the comments I just had to make a comment myself!
As we know there is always two side to every story…. perhaps this Paul person took out RRSP’s or borrowed from family to finally get into a decent house for himself and his kids… it’s so often that we hear the woes from women sitting at home collecting a big portion of their ex’s income… (not all but some)
As a single mother myself, I work very hard and am proud to say that my ex is in a decent home partly because I did not choose to squeeze every possible penny out of him! .. which in the long run benefits the children! (who are the most important here!)
Some women need to get over it and start taking responsibility… and quit trying to “punish” their ex’s!!
don’t get it, you say that he has lived in a basement suite for 3 years and that he bought a house in the same neighborhood as his ex wife. So he has lived cheap and saved to buy a place that is obviously in the same price range that the ex lives in and your upset? Is it that he is recovering that makes you mad? You didn’t say he has ever been negligent on child support or anything else. Maybe not happy about his payments but who is. Sounds catty to me. My situation is that I pay more in child support monthly than anyone person can spend on kids. It covers her mortgage bills food and every other monthly expense there is, and she nickle and dimes me for more. Its very frustrating when you have complete shared custody and you have absolutely no say in how exorbitant child support is spent.
You’re right Amanda – the kids do benefit from Dad being comfortable and happy too. But as we all know, it takes more than pennies to raise kids; lots of divorcing moms are still at home with young kids and working just as hard as those who never left the work force. It’s not a one-size fits all scenario. But congrats to you for finding something that really worked for your family.
Before men (or women) gripe too much, it’s important to remember that the person who pays already qualifies for a loan on a new house – in a few years time when payment stops and I finally get my twins in school, who the hell is going to approve me?
First let me say I had to read your whole post twice before my blood pressure came down enough for me to see clearly, and not post alot of unruly adjectives and yes in your case janer as much as I hate to say it your childs father is a douche.
Yes there are alot of dead beat dads who cry woe-ith me about not having a dime and do little for their kids, but the question I would ask first, is he an active part of their live’s does he spend quality time with them, assist with clothes, needs, medical, you may ask what the hell does that have to do with it so let me explain.
You stated he makes over six figures, so lets do the math half of his wage goes to spousal support that leave’s 50 grand give or take, now he has lost all of his deductions and is claiming basically 0 on his taxes, going under U.S. guidelines that drops his income after spousal support to well under 40k, now factor in multiple children, mandatory medical insurance, add in the costs of the things he provides if he does and now your looking at under 30k if he can provide the income to purchase a home then maybe he should be applauded a little, instead of pissing his money away chasing anything with a skirt, he is looking towards his finacial security as well and is trying to provide a good place for his kids to come to rather than a rat hole most men are forced into after divorce.
I have been on both side’s of the fence, I payed child support for years, and I was pissed for a long time wife had new car, nice home and well provided for child, in addition to having to drive for 8 hours a weekend for visitation in most cases it was every weekend and gas wasn’t cheap, buying clothes, going to events which none of those are cheap and medical care that started out cheaply but by the age of 18 was costing me over 18k a year, all the while all of this came out of my gross pay before taxes,and I was making just under six figures for all of my oldest son’s younger years, now I am raising a child with next to none or very little finacial assistance, and I am on the recieving end of woe-ith me and find that, the first words out of most people’s mouths are tough your a man deal with it.
I am sorry if I come across a bit defensive but far to many times I hear nothing but how dare he hope to have a life come from to many females who are divorced and raising children now alone or with out all the finacial assistance they would like and there are way to many that have full right to scream that at the top of their lungs, but before anyone decries a non- custodial father’s or in some case’s mothers finacial status ask if only his/her money does anything for the children involved or if he does as well.
Richard, I know this is a sensitive subject. First I’ll mention that I’m in Canada, not the US. Here, spousal is a tax write off for the provider. The receiver pays taxes on it. And as far as medical goes, he doesn’t pay it – it’s covered by his company.
I’m not arguing in any way that he isn’t entitled to a life, a new house, beauftiful new things etc (I thought I’d made that clear). My point is that he sang such a song of woe for so long (like bring tears to your eyes) that this change in circustances left me going, huh? Three years later, I’d say that’s quite the recovery. And isn’t it great? Not just for him, but for his kids, AND for my gf who made sure she got the spousal/child support the numbers called for…despite his song of tremendous woe.
It’s all good Delaine and yes it can be a very sensative subject, I know in some case’s it would be great to see some of those laws here.
Like I said I had to read it twice and really gald I didn’t post those adjectives, in the long run just glad it’s working for all parties involved in the end its about the children and the future they all equally deserve.
Just thought I should make a statement since all of a sudden I am a nickle & dime, bitter ex-wife. Delaine was shocked by the fact my ex bought a house, I on the other hand was not. I was over the moon, especially close by. I was so happy for my son as I so much wanted for him to have a sense of community and the same friends. I have not in any way ever ever squeezed more than half of all care for the children. So the 3 of us live on 50% and he lived on the other 50%. And why I sit at home ( to Amanda’s comment) and not work hard is because I quit my 60k a year job to have a second child that my ex so wanted, only to Catch him cheating on me when I was 3 months pregnant. So nobody would hire me at that point and trust me I tried very hard to get a job as I was so scared because I was 3 months pregnant had a toddler at home jobless and my husband was out having unprotected sex with the office pump (that’s what all the men at the office who also slept with her named her)So because I went to my lawyer and made sure my children and I were financially O.K. until my daughter enters grade one I am now a bitter ex who needs to take responsibility.? Hello, I did empower myself.
OK – Is it possible that you have a significant bias when reporting on your friends situation and maybe the facts are a little off? Location and square footage of the house…stuff like that? Seriously you have no idea what it is like to be a single dad that is getting squeezed for spousal and child support. After making these payments typically less than 30% of your take home pay is availble to live off of. Also, child support is not tax deductable and when looking at income ratios many women can maintain a source of income while collecting after tax dollars in support and have far better life styles than single dads living in trailers, basement suites or van’s down by the river. The pendulum has swung to far and single dads many times are left with little more than a pot to piss in.
So this guys spends three years in a basment suite scrapping to buy a house and probably cashing in any remaining savings in the process….all to purchase a decent home close to his kids so he can spend more time with them and they have a safe clean place to spend time with you them. You find this offence enough to write an article chastising the man for scraping enough money together to do the right thing for his kinds?
Hali – I feel for you, getting burned and cheated on always hurts. It’s great to see that you are happy to have your ex close by and are thinking of your son’s and daughter’s happiness. Being a cooperative co-parenting team should be at the top of everyone’s agenda. Putting aside feelings of spite or resentment from both sides and the kids first should be the #1 priority. Great to see you are doing this.
Best of luck,
Jerad
(no proof read or spell check ….had to get back to he grind)
Hali: As the defense’s expert witness, you single handedly destroyed their case. You testified that you have moved on and are happy that your ex has a place of his own. So why oh why would you post irrelevant explicit details of your marriage’s demise if not to publicaly punish and embarrass your ex on a public forum? The prosecution rests.
i think alot of people get conned by the “song of woe”. i know i almost did. It’s a dangerous thing to make an agreement to accept support below the government guidelines. If you do, and your financial circumstances change, good luck getting the court to give you more. Although sometimes it’s tempting to just accept his piddly offer and end this damn thing.
This may come off wrong but I’m going to say it anyway:
What difference does it make what the ex is doing? Seriously?
My ex-husband spent a lot of time and energy talking about his baby mommy’s living situation, her boyfriends, her finances. He would pour over those court documents to find out what she was spending on mortgage, child care for her other kids etc, etc, etc. All in an effort to figure out whether what he was getting for child support and visitation was fair. Fair, fair, fair. What is fair? This isn’t fair, that isn’t fair. And even if the court thinks it’s fair, does he think it’s fair? And if he didn’t think it was fair then how could he “fix” it?
All that energy that he could have been putting into other things (our marriage is one thing that comes to mind).
We tell our kids that life isn’t fair nearly everyday of the week. Why can’t we take our own advise?
Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way that we want it to. To spend more time contemplating that only leads to greater unhappiness.
The guy is an ex for a reason. If you consume yourself with the details of his new life and whether it’s fair, you will only take energy away from the things that will bring you real happiness.
Emily, in one sense you are absolutely right…and if you are capable of never thinking your ex is a shithead for not paying you child support, you are a better woman than I. Unfortunately, i am human…and i have to see my ex once or twice a week, and in the last 2 years i have had to listen to him complain, cry, threaten his life, threaten other people’s safety, and threaten to never see his daughter again all because i was asking for child support. I am also in court (well, not yet, damn delays, but you get the idea) over custody and child support, which although they shouldn’t be, are linked in his mind. So unfortunately, the amount of child support i should receive is a constant thought. For me…i wonder if i am being fair to HIM. Am i asking too much? he has made it clear in the last year that he thinks i am. But what is the right thing for ME to do? I could say “i don’t need his damn money” but the truth is…i might need it in order to keep a roof over my daughter’s head. I graduate next year, with huge student loan debt and possibly no job. I have to decide what’s in my daughter’s best interest. In order to make that decision, i need to know what he is doing with his money…in order to know if i’m asking too much, i need to know if his “song of woe” is based in reality…or if it’s him being selfish. This isn’t about whether he’s being fair to me…it’s whether I’m being fair to him. putting my daughter’s father out of house and home wouldn’t be a very nice thing to do just to avoid ME being out of house and home. But if it’s a con…if it’s just bad budgetting and a true “song of woe” to make me shut up and not ask for money to help raise our daughter…then i will know i’m not being unfair…i’m just taking care of my daughter.
I don’t spend much time thinking about all this. When court dates come near, i get pissy because it all comes into play again, but on a day to day basis, i do my best with what i have and play nice with my daughter’s daddy and really couldn’t care less what he does with his life. What he does with his money is his business…AFTER he meets his obligations as a parent to our child. Until he starts doing that or gives me true cause to believe he can’t do it, his money IS my business because it’s my daughter’s right to be supported by both parents.
I see your point… Perhaps someday I will be in your shoes as well. For the time being though I am in the strange limbo (probably permanent) of just not having to deal with my ex at all. No child support, no visits and a couple of text messages a month. It’s almost like he is dead. So in a way when I talk about my single parenthood it’s almost like I’m a widow.
Which is kind of where that comment came from. There are a lot of single parents out there who are bona fide widow/widowers. Do they spend a lot of time thinking about the same types of stuff that us divorcees think about? Are they as mad? As outraged by how unfair things are for the kids (and us sometimes too)? I guess I kind of think that they don’t- at least not in the same way. Maybe I’m wrong about all of this but I sort of think that when the leaving was done by an act of death there is a lot less hashing over the lingering outcome. There isn’t really an option for child support and visitation from the hereafter ya know? But hey I could be off base there too.
PS My ex is total shithead, I just chose not to let it ruin my day. : )
Point taken Mark! I brought up the ugliness of our breakup because it still hurts when I think back to that time period in my life where I was overwhelmed with fear and saddness. Like Cathy states, this is a venue for people to voice THEIR feelings and perspectives on life and THEIR experiences without being named. The point of me being three months pregnant was the fact that I could not get a job. I stay home now because if I went back to work my ex would have to cover 50% of before and after school care for our son in grade 1. (and my son would not be able to play hockey due to 4:00 ice times). My ex would have to pay 50% of daycare for my daughter all day, 5 days a week. His cost for me to go back to work would be $712.50.(oh ya, Amanda..my ex only pays 50% of section 7 expenses when the courts state 80% but I signed off on 50% because I know he already gives me enough to raise the kids and I am a fair person) If I went to work right now, nobody would benefit but me (by getting my career back on track before I am off the market for too long.)It would only HURT my kids. As for this site and most of the women on it being man haters, I can honestly say all of us LOVE MEN!!!! (Some of us a couple more times a week than others-haha) I love everything about men especially my new partner- he is wonderful in every way! As for my ex I still care for him, I sometimes slip up and call him honey on the phone! He is a great dad, spends lots of time with the kids, has never missed a payment. Some women are still mad at their ex’s because they are jerks who never see their kids and go on 3 weeks of vacation and then states he can’t give any money to his ex to feed his children. So yes, some women have to deal with real losers but I am not one of them and I am thankful for that each and every day!
My husbands only been gone a week…This weekend I bought a brand new bed, and all new linens. I spent so many years buyingthings to try to respect his need to stay manly…I went all girly. I love it…It’s MINE!!
I don’t have any ideas about how to do it on a budget but I will say that doing it was the best gift I could have given myself at that time.
New comforter, floral prints, candles and a cozy chair to sit and journal in. It was MY room…sensual, warm and a reflection of who I was. All things I had given up while married to him.
When married it had been a room to sleep in. Rarely any sex, rarely any laughter or comfort. I had to get rid of something that was a constant reminder of how empty my marriage had been.
I have to say there was more love in that bedroom after he left than any time before. Love for myself again!