Post Divorce Sex: Less Than A Bump & A Grind
Prior to that night, I’d met him three times for dinner. And even though mentally and physically he charged all my cylinders, I kept my foot on the brakes; I wasn’t just looking for ‘any’ lover, I wanted an ‘alpha’ lover – a man who was strong, passionate, and very much in control, both inwardly and outwardly. At 37 years old, I knew what I liked, and I wanted to step into my sexuality in deeper, wilder ways.
I tested him intermittently on our previous dates: teased him, challenged him, played with his mind. What’re you made of honey? I wondered. At 39, have you really begun to understand and appreciate the complexities of a woman’s mind and body? Can you handle me, enthrall me, and devour every ounce of my sexual being?
He looked me, many times, directly in the eyes – calm, composed, giving me the statements and answers I wanted, hoped for, yearned for… Yes, I finally decided, eyes down, during dessert. Next time we meet, I will take him as my lover.
Tonight, as he walked through my front door, he could see me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, wearing black leather boots, a dynamite gartered teddy, and the electric air of a Woman Entitled. I wasn’t going to pretend or apologize.
“Wow,” he said under his breath, tongue flicking, eyes darting. “You look incredible.”
“Thanks.” I leaned back seductively and waited – tick-tock, tick-tock. Finally I clenched his hand and pulled it behind my back.
Down the hall we stumbled and kissed, my hands greedily grabbing, touching, demanding. Why is his hand so limp on my back? I thought. C’mon hun, I willed him through my fingers. Give me what I want.
Fumbling, awkwardness – Oops sorry, he said, then his clothes were off. He lunged on top of me….
After what felt like fifteen seconds, he pancaked me with his full weight, breathing hard. My eyes flew open: What the…?
“That was so hot,” he panted in my ear. “God! You were unbelievable!”
Huh?
He got to his feet and began dressing. “Let’s do this again tomorrow OK? And the next day and the next day and the day after that!” He laughed.
Do what? I glanced from side to side. I’m hardly even warmed-up!
I stood up from the bed and he seized me into a bear hug. “Man!” he clucked over my shoulder. “Soooo hot.” I patted his back, wide-eyed; there…there? I couldn’t even look at him as he made his way out.
Perhaps you, like me, are already coming up with excuses as to his awful performance – maybe he was nervous, inexperienced, intimidated, or tired. But I wonder: if the tables were turned, do you think he’dbe making excuses for me?
For the sake of his next lover, perhaps even womankind, I should have tactfully or not-so-tactfully said something; most bad lovers remain bad lovers because women are too polite to say or ‘teach’ otherwise, right? But at the time, I was too shocked and annoyed to even speak – that was worse than an adolescent romp in the back seat of the car.
How could a man of his age not know this? I fumed. Doesn’t a man, at some point before thirty-five, become experienced enough, aware enough, to know that his ultimate sexual pleasure is derived through satisfying the woman?
No – instead of being masterfully consumed by an alpha lover, I found myself standing in my bedroom, one hand on my hip, the other hand gesturing in exasperation at a candlelit wall. It’s been three months since I’ve had sex, I thought as I unzipped by boots. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m still counting.
11 comments
Well they say that anticipation is half of the fun of the journey ~ it seems as though you could have foregone the destination after all…
Yet another reason why I’m in no hurry to rejoin the dating pool…
Maybe the limp hand on your back should have been the sign of things to come. If I felt a letdown after reading the buildup, I can only imagine how you felt! If you still feel some sparks or connection with him, he probably deserves another chance and chalk it up to you looking so hot he lost all sense of time . If not, might need to use your boots to kick to the door next time!
Too funny Barry – guess I coulda put my boots to good use after all!
This has been my story over, and over again. I even had a guy who i had been talking as friends fpr almost 2 years, he tell me stories of him with other women and how long he can go…and when we finally met…he an orgasm before he even started! I have not been able to find any guy who can last more then a minute. I feel like giving up. It is getting ridiculous and old. There is one guy who I have been seeing for over a year..and he still cant last!!! So I bought some batteries!! Men continue to disappoint me.
Bobbie,
When I wrote this piece over two years ago, I needed to experience this kind of situation for numerous reasons. First I needed to give myself permission to explore myself, my sexuality and what the dating trenches were like (I was re-acclimatizing). Moving forward required I give myself permission to take risks, test my boundaries, and own them, regardless of what anyone else thought. This was a critical stage in my healing, a self-exploration stage that many women skip in order to throw themselves off the cliff of falling in love again too early after divorce.
Only in retrospect do I realize I was also simultaneously in my anger phase. A part of me was A-OK with men ‘letting me down’ cause I thought they were worthless anyway. In other words, I was ‘getting back’ from men what I was putting out there energetically. But nonetheless these kinds of experiences were NECESSARY; part of the process of my moving on.
When a man we’ve loved and married lets us down in all the ways we hoped for, when he turns out to be WAY less that the protector and source of strength us women yearn for, belittling them on a sexual level feels not only right, but satisfying (even funny). I know that sounds awful, but I felt it to be true, too.
But again, underneath it all, there are other forces at work – unresolved issues from your past. There is a sadness lurking beneath the surface in all that you write Bobbie. I can feel it. A part of you knows all too well that you’re blaming men for the transgressions of one man (or maybe more) and underneath it all lie hurt and disillusionment and anger. You can tell me that I’m wrong…but that is what I sense and I wish nothing more than for you to be free of it.
Delaine, You are totally right. I still have anger and hurt even 7 years after my divorce. I have gone thru lots of phases but apparently not enough. I so want to be free of this. I will admit I have absolutely no idea what I am doing when it comes to dating. I was married for 7 years to a man 16 years older than me. He had an affair with my then best friend. They hid this from me for years. I could go on and yes it does get worse.
After the divorce my whole world fell apart. I hit rock bottom. It took a while but I picked myself up by the boot straps and did the work to get my life back. I even moved from Florida to California to be close to my kids when there took them there. I am happy to say I am finally thriving. I just still have this anger and hurt looming. I guess I didn’t realize it was so obvious.
Delaine,
After thinking about what you said I realize I am in the self-exploration phase, but am obviously still in the anger phase as well. I have never stepped into the realm of sexual exploration. Guess I need to stop hating guys before I can do that. Its kind of hard sometimes when they act the way they do. But I digress. Any advice you could give would be excellent. It is awesome that a site like this exist. I am a single mom of 3, reading some of these stories..i realize I am thinking, I can really do that? Like I didnt know I had permission to have fun like that. I didnt realize I hadn’t givem myself permission to enjoy sex.
For so long, I have been giving myself permission to say no. Since that was something I couldn’t do when I was married. I realize now, I never have allowed my self to actually enjoy my sexuality. Which is probably why I get no enjoyment from it. No matter how hard the guy tries. Hmmm, i obviously have a long way to go.
Bobbie
Bobbie,
The self-exploration stage doesn’t have to include sexual exploration, though for many women it does, but to different degrees. The fact that you’ve been giving yourself permission to say ‘no’ to men is a step forward given that sex was abusive towards you during your marriage; you’re giving yourself a voice and drawing strong boundaries. That’s important stuff. I don’t think exploring your sexuality further right now wouldn’t be the smartest step. You have healing to do and you’re stuck.
Healing after divorce doesn’t happen in a straight line, Bobbie. Sometimes it veers off and we take detours with bumps and unforseen obstacles. Yes, you obviously have work to do, but don’t be so quick to assume you’ve ‘a long way’ to go. You aren’t a hopeless case! You are seven years into this journey and it sounds like you’ve had loads on your plate to deal with, not just in terms of trying to heal, but outer life changes such as the move, your job, friends, commnity, your children… SO cut yourself some slack. Not only are you where you need to be, you’ve made progress! Perhaps only now are things settled enough for you to do the work.
I do have some guidance I’d like to give you right now – writing them out here will resemble a small book though:). It would be easier it I call you so we cover more ground. I always offer a free consulation so there is no obligation on your part. At the very least, I’d like to get you moving in the right direction…so let me know your thoughts.
Delaine,
I would like that,
What is the best way to get my info to you without having to post it here?
Bobbie
Bobbie, you can send me your number at delaine (at) iamdivorcednotdead (dot) com. We can organize our call from there.