Stop, Hey – What’s That Sound? Unresolved Legal Issues Pulling You Down…
I’m not a divorce lawyer. But I’m a divorce expert in my own rite. And now that I’m two years into my divorce, there’s one golden nugget of advice I’d like to pass onto those newly divorcing: Get EVERYTHING down in writing - signed, sealed and wrapped up – otherwise, there’s a good chance you’ll be postponing the inevitable trip to court.
There are many valid reasons why we don’t hammer it all down properly right away. We’re grieving, we’re coping, we’re scared, we don’t want our lives to into a nasty episode of Law & Order. We don’t want to expose our kids to any drama or nastiness…and God knows, we don’t want our exes coming after us with fire in their eyes. It all just seems like too much.
But the two things I’ve finally come realize are that 1) having EVERYTHING laid out plainly and clearly HELPS both parties understand expectations/responsibilities. And 2) the unresolved issues will not only chase you, they will worsen and continually upset your and your kids lives. You can ‘hope for the best’ as much as you want, but the bottom line is that many people require a lengthy legal contract in front of them in order to do what is, in fact, ‘fair’ and in the best interest of their children.
Yes, I’m speaking from personal experience; only now, two years in, have I been pushed to realize it’s time to get it all down properly. And I know I’m not the only one – a friend of mine, also two years in, is in the same position. I also receive letters from other readers who keep ‘hoping’ that time will smoothen things out, whether it’s around custody, parenting schedules, or child/spousal support.
My best friend Hali told me all throughout my divorce that I was being too nice, too complacent, too idealistic, too much of a doormat, and so on. This opinion came from a woman who hashed through her legalities swiftly, meticulously, and with fairness to both her ex AND her and her kids. But I thought her approach too aggressive; I instead chose to let time slip away, and held onto hope, to my belief that all would turn around if I worked hard, stayed tough and remained kind. And where am I now? Back at the starting gate, spending all the money I once feared spending on lawyers, as I prepare for court.
I guess I needed these past two years…to find my courage.
7 comments
Three suggestions (and I am not an attorney, so keep that in mind):
1. Even if your children are young, do NOT leave college and pre-college expenses to vague language filled with loopholes. You’ll regret it when the time rolls around – and it arrives faster than you know.
2. It’s easy for attorneys to say “oh, you can just change the support if you have a significant change in circumstances.” It’s MUCH more difficult to actually execute on, because depending upon the state where you live, you generally need an attorney to do so, which means thousands of dollars. And those are dollars you may not have (thus the need for support modification due to change of circumstances).
3. Cost of Living – I was told by my attorneys many years ago “forget it – no one gets that” only to find out years later that many women I knew had that, and thank goodness for them. I should’ve gone with my gut and insisted.
4. Again, when kids are young, you don’t take into account school and study-related expenses that come in late middle school and throughout (even public) high school. They can break the bank, and include:
- special academic programs your child may be invited into (at $2,000 to $4,000 each),
- SATs (which can start as early as 7th grade), SAT prep (count on $500 to $1,000),
- driver’s ed (not always offered in school, count on $300 to $800),
- car insurance (figure $2,000 to $3,000/year ADDITIONAL, for a 16-year old, and that’s not buying them separate insurance on a second car),
- college boards (hundreds),
- proms ($100),
- student fees and year books (count $75 to $150 per year per child in high school),
- AP (Advanced Placement) exams (hundreds),
- IB (International Baccalaureat) exams for some (many hundreds),
- college visits (thousands),
- college applications (hundreds, depending on schools applied to).
These items run into the many THOUSANDS per year, and are often not thought of at the time of divorce. Put them in writing and make sure there is equitable coverage in place for these expenses.
Get EVERYTHING IN WRITING, with very precise language. Difficult though it is – it’s essential.
Little Big Wolf, I agree, your list is awesome, and you’ve covered points around schooling I never even considered; I figured, “Oh, when the kids get older we’ll figure it out…” But like you said, that ‘time’ arrives quicker than we expect, so why not cover all the bases while the you-know-what is already hitting the fan.
Another huge area that needs to be addressed is a parenting SCHEDULE – not just a custody arrangement, but an actual schedule. The mistake I made was to sign an agreement that enabled my ex to simply provide ONE day’s notice whenever he wanted the kids. And literally, that’s ALL I asked for – no return time, no extra notice to me, no time to prep the kids etc. I did this because he works out of town and I assumed (very wrongly) that he would respectfully try and keep me abridge of his work schedule so I could organize and plan my and my kids lives. But did that happen? LOL Not at all! (I’m such a fool!) It was 24 hours only and beleive me I never knew if that ‘notice’ would come tomorrow or three weeks down the road. The kids are older now and need more stability and warning that that!
So guess what happened when my ex lost his job working out of town and began working IN town in a 32-hour/week job where he knew his schedule? He insisted on sticking to the original 24-hour notice – whenever he wanted – which of course, is assinine and upsetting to the kids’ lives.
The parenting schedule you create should very clearly lay out pick-up/drop times, holidays, b-days, visiting relatives etc. I know it ‘seems’ anal and controlling, but truly, from the cases I’ve seen and experienced, it is NECESSARY!
A suggestion…negotiate your needs and wants and get everything documented, and then have the legal language double checked by a second attorney.
Attorneys make mistakes and over-look things. Paying a second attorney a small fee to check your agreement before you sign it is worth the extra money.
One wrong word, one sentence not phrased correctly can cost dearly. Make sure all the bases are covered and the legal language is correct before signing anything.
These ideas could NOT be more timely. I’m drafting all the details of my orders now.Thank you for the detailed list above.
I wish I would have had someone tell me this a year ago. Now I am stuck with things the way they are even though I was totally screwed over by my ex. My kids are happy and healthy and I can make things work the way they are but it sucks to know that he got away with lying on the stand and screwing with me and the kids. Ladies, I know it sucks and you just want out of the marriage but TRUST ME take your time and get EVERYTHING in writing. DON’T just sign to get it over with!!!
I suppose I should just laugh so I don’t cry… I am two years into a divorce and have nothing nailed down… not even financial information. But boy have we racked up some major legal fees. I think we’ve put several lawyers kids through grad school. I’m jaded — I hate divorce and court and lawyers.
I’m two years out of divorce and I couldn’t agree more with the message in this post as well as the advice in the comments. I made some serious mistakes in the divorce process. My ex and I got along well and treated each other with respect. We thought we knew what we were doing when we – brace yourself – used one lawyer to draft a practically dictated divorce decree. And now, my son and I will pay for the mistakes I made hereon. I actually just started a series of blog posts on this topic this past week. Each post another mistake I made. I come at it from the life lesson perspective moreso than the advice or helpful tips angle. We all make mistakes in this process. Some more abundant or detrimental than others. I like Cathy’s suggestion to get a second opinion. That would never have occurred to me at the time.
Thanks for this post. I feel a little less alone as I struggle to make work that which should have never been.