Can Infidelity Save The Modern Marriage?
Can cheating on your spouse end up saving your marriage? According to Noel Biderman in his new book, Cheaters Proper, How Infidelity Will Save The Modern Marriage, the answer, believe it or not, is yes.
Who is this Noel Biderman? This native Torontonian is the CEO and founder of The Ashley Madison Agency, an online dating service that helps married men and women cheat on their spouses. With more than four million members and still growing fast, Biderman created his company back in 2001 by catering to a huge untapped market: unhappy, bored, and/or unfulfilled husbands and wives. Hence the slogan: “Take the monotony out of monogamy.”
Recently Biderman was interviewed with his wife (yes, he’s happily married and both say they’ve never cheated) on CTV’s Canada AM about the premise of his controversial new book – that is, infidelity can be a positive thing for a marriage. He says that although people cheat for varying reasons, at the core it’s about people being unhappy and suffering – and their biological drive to “change that.” Through having an affair, they often become better partners, better parents, better bosses, better friends…over all, just happier. And that’s something us North Americans have a hard time swallowing - Biderman pointed to other cultures like France and Japan where infidelity rates are extremely high, but their divorce rates are low. He says they “put (cheating and divorce) in a new perspective.”
Oftentimes cheaters try to communicate their unhappiness to their spouses, Biderman said, but don’t know how to express or discuss it. Moreover, they’re terrified of how their spouses might react/retaliate if they attempt to go there at all. Nonetheless, he says “75% of marriages DO survive” infidelity and those relationships become stronger as a result; infidelity becomes a catalyst for change and can bring couples closer in the long run.
Whether we agree with Biderman’s views or not, there’s no doubt that marriage and the concept of monogamy are seriously taking a beating in our culture. So what do you think – should we/could we work harder to hold marriages and relationships together after an affair is exposed? Does our culture make it harder to accept infidelity than others? And ultimately, now that you’re divorcing or have moved through one, do you think monogamy is on its way out?
2 comments
Such a progressive bunch of women here . Guess a will stick my toes in the water gently.
To begin with, the affair is probably happening because the marriage is in trouble to begin with. Someone or both are not having the physical or/and emotional needs met.
Please don’t promote cheating is healthy for a marriage. To think the worries about gay marriage ruining the world!
In my mind, which I think is becoming more conservative as I get older, cheating is just that, cheating. It is the biggest breach of trust in any relationship. Let’s not forget, you also bring back into the bedroom, everyone your lover slept with.
You think it is OK? You see no problem? Well then, how would you feel about someone teaching that moral to your children? If it is alright and good for marriage, go sit down with your kids and tell them. Or before the ceremony, give a little pep talk. ” Listen, if you get bored,or he is a jerk, or life stinks, or you need a way out, just go have a little fling!
This couple, the one who have not had an affair, are after one thing….book sales.
Leaving now….such an old fashion guy I know .
I’m going to go out on a limb and say… Anyone who feels that infidelity will save a marriage has secondary motives. If the belief that pain, suffering and humiliation is good, then I don’t want any part of it. You may be able to physically withstand the breakup, but really when your older and you look at the two of you, do you really think that the love you had before is the same?
Withstanding and saving are not the same thing.