She’s Has Multiple Lovers – But No Guilt
A divorcing girlfriend was updating me on her dating life over the phone. She’d just flown back from spending a fun-filled weekend with a new man she’d met online. She said, “I don’t think he’s Mr Right, but he does have some wonderful qualities. And man – was he ever something in bed! Really aggressive. And wow, was it hot! ”
She then brought me up to speed with her on-again off-again friend/lover in her hometown. “I really do care about him,” she said. “We are such good friends. We inevitably end up in bed again though cause in the moment, it feels right.”
But her trail of current lovers didn’t end there. And she was grappling with it. “Remember my close friend Ted?” She asked. “We finally crossed the friendship line and slept together a week ago. And Alex – the cute younger guy I’ve been talking to at the gym? We went out for drinks a few nights ago…. and we had sex too!”
She continued: “So now I’m sitting here wondering, Jesus Sara, what are you doing! I’ve NEVER had sex with multiple men before!”
As we discussed her situation, a few important points were clear:
a) all her men knew she was seeing other men
b) she had some kind of friendship in place with each one
c) she was having safe sex with all of them
d) at this point, did she want exclusively with any of them
“What’s the problem then, Sara?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she laughed. “I feel like I should feel like a slut or something.”
“Do you?”
“No. I’m actually fine with it!”
We discussed her feelings further. More points became clear:
a) she wasn’t having sex from a place of low self-worth
b) she saw and appreciated different qualities in each of them
c) she felt sexually satisfied
d) she felt happy and wasn’t dwelling on any particular man
e) she knew it would be short-lived; maintaining that many men would require too much time and energy
The more we dug, the more we realized that her ‘guilty’ feelings came from old-school beliefs of what we though Good Girls were supposed to do. That training ran deep, but it was time to flush them away. She’s a beautiful, smart, passionate, sexy, 40-year-old mom/girlfriend/and woman. And really – how lucky is she to enjoy a dating life at this point in her life on her terms? I say enjoy it while you can!
17 comments
OK, I’m jealous!!!!
How does she find the time? Is she really pretty and slim? I feel like a frump and am scared to go out on a date let alone have sex.
I think its wonderful she feels good about herslef and is enjoying her freedom. I want to get there to!
OK, I’m jealous!!!!
How does she find the time? Is she really pretty and slim? I feel like a frump and am scared to go out on a date let alone have sex.
I think its wonderful she feels good about herslef and is enjoying her freedom. I want to get there to!
I’m with Micheline on this one. If your in your 40s and look like Jennifer Aniston then I can see how all these men would find you. But me, and alot of women like me, haven’t aged as gracefully and gained weight after kids.
I don’t know if I’d be able to have multiple partners. But I’d love to be in that position/ dilemna. I don’t think your friend is acting like a slut and should feel guilty at all.As long as she is being true to herslef and not hurting anyone I say all the power to her.
I’m with Micheline on this one. If your in your 40s and look like Jennifer Aniston then I can see how all these men would find you. But me, and alot of women like me, haven’t aged as gracefully and gained weight after kids.
I don’t know if I’d be able to have multiple partners. But I’d love to be in that position/ dilemna. I don’t think your friend is acting like a slut and should feel guilty at all.As long as she is being true to herslef and not hurting anyone I say all the power to her.
For me finding the time would be the issue. I think that she is making her choices based on her own strength and confidence and that is empowering. It took (and is still taking) me a long time to come to grips with my sexuality after being buried for so long. I haven’t had her experiences but not for lack of offers, and that in and of itself is very flattering. Realizing that there are guys out there who are interested in me and see the woman, not just the mom, scout leader, teacher, etc…
Hmmm, maybe I should call that 33 year old stripper that wanted to take me out for drinks….
For me finding the time would be the issue. I think that she is making her choices based on her own strength and confidence and that is empowering. It took (and is still taking) me a long time to come to grips with my sexuality after being buried for so long. I haven’t had her experiences but not for lack of offers, and that in and of itself is very flattering. Realizing that there are guys out there who are interested in me and see the woman, not just the mom, scout leader, teacher, etc…
Hmmm, maybe I should call that 33 year old stripper that wanted to take me out for drinks….
Micheline and Kara – Without a doubt, my girlfriend is a very attractive woman, both physically and inwardly. But the thing with her is that she’s friendly and makes an effort to get out there and talk to new people; she’s social. She has an attitude and an air about her that pulls men in. Maybe men sense she doesn’t ‘need’ them so something primitive in them is triggered????
My girlfriend, like you, Susan, had a repressed sex life while she married and part of her healing journey involves her giving herself permission to explore and tap into that part of her Self again. I’ve been there too. It’s kinda scary…but super exciting too!
I’d be calling that 33-year-old stripper Susan, ayayaya! I have zero prospects on my horizon right now – I don’t even want my old Friend with Benefits. And yeah, I’m getting irritable.
Micheline and Kara – Without a doubt, my girlfriend is a very attractive woman, both physically and inwardly. But the thing with her is that she’s friendly and makes an effort to get out there and talk to new people; she’s social. She has an attitude and an air about her that pulls men in. Maybe men sense she doesn’t ‘need’ them so something primitive in them is triggered????
My girlfriend, like you, Susan, had a repressed sex life while she married and part of her healing journey involves her giving herself permission to explore and tap into that part of her Self again. I’ve been there too. It’s kinda scary…but super exciting too!
I’d be calling that 33-year-old stripper Susan, ayayaya! I have zero prospects on my horizon right now – I don’t even want my old Friend with Benefits. And yeah, I’m getting irritable.
i couldn’t do it, personally, but more power to her! seems like she’s honest with them and safe about it…so whose business is it really but hers and theirs? i just can’t focus on more than one
too bad for me 
i couldn’t do it, personally, but more power to her! seems like she’s honest with them and safe about it…so whose business is it really but hers and theirs? i just can’t focus on more than one
too bad for me 
I think this all comes down to someone’s values. If she inherently has no problems ethically with what she is doing, then it would not make sense for her to feel guilt. We can all speculate as to whether or not the behavior is acceptable to us… but guilt is something that is evoked by feelings about our actions being wrong.
Personally, that is not my cup of tea. However, if she truly has no problem with it, then she should not feel a sense of guilt. Just my two cents. Did that even make sense?
I think this all comes down to someone’s values. If she inherently has no problems ethically with what she is doing, then it would not make sense for her to feel guilt. We can all speculate as to whether or not the behavior is acceptable to us… but guilt is something that is evoked by feelings about our actions being wrong.
Personally, that is not my cup of tea. However, if she truly has no problem with it, then she should not feel a sense of guilt. Just my two cents. Did that even make sense?
LOL, I think you totally made sense Kim! I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with her enjoying a bout of wildness. She’s my close friend, I know what she’s been though, and really, this is a short-term thing. I think we all go through periods of insanity at some point in our lives and isn’t it awesome she just gets to go through hers with a BIG (post-orgasmic) smile on her face:)
I can actually relate. Although I’m only sleeping with one guy I’m kind of seeing, I don’t think I’d have a problem with more.
There are a couple other guys that I have feelings for, but the guilt of being a ‘good girl’ is something that’s hard to deal with.
Part of it may be that I’ve never dated before. I got with my husband when I was 15 and just divorced recently at the age of 28.
If she and the guys she is seeing have no problem with it, I don’t see a problem.
Bravo! So glad you wrote this! We as woman do carry around that “good girl” expecatation about sex even though we’re mature, it’s 2009, we’re divorced, and not hurting anyone.
Think men are having the same worries? I think not…
So long as people (not just women) are being honest with each other and themselves then there’s no reason not to continue to do what works and feels good indefinitely.
Divorcées have tried the “settling down” thing, and for some of us it just didn’t work, so why not change one’s perception of how life is “supposed” to be?
And there are people out there attracted to all body types so there’s no need to think that weight gain/sun damage/normal aging should limit one’s sex life any more than the individual lets it.
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