She’s Has Multiple Lovers – But No Guilt

Posted by Delaine - September 2, 2009 - Between the Sheets, Dating & Sex, Healing, Phases/ Stages, Women's Sexuality - 17 Comments


A divorcing girlfriend was updating me on her dating life over the phone.  She’d just flown back from spending a fun-filled weekend with a new man she’d met online.  She said, “I don’t think he’s Mr Right, but he does have some wonderful qualities.  And man – was he ever something in bed!  Really aggressive.  And wow, was it hot! ”

She then brought me up to speed with her on-again off-again friend/lover in her hometown.  “I really do care about him,” she said.  “We are such good friends.  We inevitably end up in bed again though cause in the moment, it feels right.”

But her trail of current lovers didn’t end there.  And she was grappling with it.  “Remember my close friend Ted?” She asked.  “We finally crossed the friendship line and slept together a week ago.  And Alex – the cute younger guy I’ve been talking to at the gym?  We went out for drinks a few nights ago…. and we had sex too!”

She continued:  “So now I’m sitting here wondering, Jesus Sara, what are you doing! I’ve NEVER had sex with multiple men before!”

As we discussed her situation, a few important points were clear:

a)      all her men knew she was seeing other men

b)      she had some kind of friendship in place with each one

c)      she was having safe sex with all of them

d)     at this point, did she want exclusively with any of them

“What’s the problem then, Sara?” I asked. 

“I don’t know,” she laughed.  “I feel like I should feel like a slut or something.”

“Do you?”

“No.  I’m actually fine with it!”

We discussed her feelings further.  More points became clear:

a)   she wasn’t having sex from a place of low self-worth

b)   she saw and appreciated different qualities in each of them

c)   she felt sexually satisfied

d)   she felt happy and wasn’t dwelling on any particular man

e)   she knew it would be short-lived; maintaining that many men would require too much time and energy

The more we dug, the more we realized that her ‘guilty’ feelings came from old-school beliefs of what we though Good Girls were supposed to do.  That training ran deep, but it was time to flush them away.  She’s a beautiful, smart, passionate, sexy, 40-year-old mom/girlfriend/and woman.  And really – how lucky is she to enjoy a dating life at this point in her life on her terms?  I say enjoy it while you can!