POWER: A Scary Reason Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids
Does this scenario rings any bells?
Sue is the primary caregiver of her two children. Her ex, Brian, is a part-time dad who pays child support and takes the kids every second weekend and one evening/week.
When they first got separated, Brian was very concerned about his limited access to the kids; he wanted them as much as possible. He also requested the ‘right of first refusal’ – that is, if Sue ever needed a babysitter, she would be required to call him first.
Six months into the divorce: things have started to change. Not once has Brian acted on his right of first refusal. And he’s often late or changing his scheduled time with the kids. Sue hears about “important work commitments” and “bad traffic” and “a sudden business trip out of town.” She accommodates him – after all, life happens and plans sometimes have to be broken. Moreover, she feels a bit indebted to him - he’s paying her child and spousal support after all…
A few months later, it dawns on Sue that the only ‘constant’ is Brian’s ‘inconsistency’ with adhering to his time with the kids. She’s tired of constantly cancelling plans and not being able to make them. She’s also feeling burnt out – she hasn’t had down town in ages! She’s beginning to wonder if he’s taking advantage of her. Is he ever going to fulfill his parenting responsibilities or is she inadvertently enabling him not to? When is enough, ENOUGH?
Finally, The Moment of Revelation arrives. He calls her a few days before a weekend he’s to take the kids. “I need to get my brakes fixed on my truck,” he says. “So I’ll need to take the kids Friday night only and return them Saturday morning at 8 a.m.”
“Alright,” says Sue. “And when will you be back to get them?”
“I won’t,” he says irritated. “It’s going to take the rest of the weekend for me to fix them.”
Anger boils in Sue’s stomach. As if he’s going to work on his brakes all day Saturday, Saturday night AND all day Sunday till 7 p.m.! He IS taking advantage of her!
“No,” she responds. “I have plans and you’ll have to find a babysitter.”
“Sue, do you have any idea how boring it will be for the kids while I get my brakes fixed?”
“Brian, I haul the kids around to do errands too – all the time in fact. It’s part of being a parent.”
“Don’t tell ME what’s involved in being a parent,” Brian responds angrily. “You don’t know what it’s like to have to WORK full-time too. You’re just a mom. I PAY you to look after the kids.”
And there we have it. Apparently, because Brian pays Sue support, she is his 24–hour employee. And as for his parenting responsibilities and his relationships with his kids – well, I guess ensuring Sue is his workhorse is more important.
10 comments
I have a hard time on this one. I understand the “enough is enough” and “putting your foot down” philosophy, but I have a hard time with enforcing it. My opinion is that if he doesn’t want to be with the kids, I’m not going to force him to. If/when I do, he takes his bad mood out on them. They come home sad and cranky because they KNEW daddy didn’t want them around. He made no secret of the fact that he had to change or cancel plans and that they were a burden he didn’t want. If he wants to flake on them, FINE, I’ll keep them and we’ll have fun. He’s the one losing out. (Of course, in many ways, it’s easier for me than some because I have lots of family around that take the kids for overnighters, etc. so I still get some downtime.)
I do know how this feels because I am currently living it myself. My ex was never a big part of my childrens life when we were actually married and so in the divorce I went for sole custody. He fought me the whole way and we fianlly agreed on joint custody with child support. Our divorce papers read that he is suppose to have the kids three days a week/ every week (he works a very odd scedule and is off for four or five days in a row every week) along with a child support amount that we agreed on that was way lower than what the state would have assigned if I had sole custody but I figured that he would step up and have the children 50% of the time… or atleast three days a week (and that includes two weekends a month). Our divorce was final in December… he has NEVER had the kids three days in a row and right now we are going on over a month sense he has seen or even talked to them… and he only lives 6 blocks from us. His phone is shut off and he is never home when I drive by. Thankfully I had a very smart sister-in-law (MY brothers wife) that is a child support officer who worded my divorce papers to read that I still get child support even though I did settle for joint custody but now he is gone. My oldest one starts school next week and it is like he just does not care. When I do actually have a chance to talk to him he tells me all sorts of excuses about why he can’t take the kids and then I find out through mutual friends that he was at this party or that party all week. I feel like my hands are tied because I do receive child support but it is not the amount that the state sees I should get beings I am the full time partent to my three children. A part of me wishes that he would just go away for good instead of coming in and out of the kids life every other month… but some days I am just tired and need a break, I wish he would step up to the plate and give me a break.
It seems like even when I do reach my breaking point and end up sreaming at him it does not make one bit of differance. Nothing sinks in and things just continue the same way they have been for years. The kids are not a priority to him and he tells me the reason is because I was the one who filed for the divorce that I deserve what I get and now is his time to go out and make a new life. Somedays I think I really could choke him if I had the chance. I have no advice because I am living this nightmare myself. The only thing I can say is… Someday I know that my kids will know who was there for them all this time. Someday they will see the truth… and until then… they are all that matter to ME.
CJ, I’m so glad to hear you family is in town to give you a reprieve. It also means your children have other loving adult role models around. I think that means a lot…and I wish I could offer my children the same.
As for your exes, ladies – SHAME on them! It disgusts me. And yet I bet if you asked either one of them if they thought they were a good father, they’d say yes. It’s not that they don’t ‘love’ their kids in so much as that they don’t ‘get’ what a huge impact they have on their children’s lives. Their absence makes a’statement’ whether they realize it or not.
My ex used to say to me that compared to HIS father, he was WAY more involved in our kids’ lives. But the 15% of himself he gives, though double his father’s 7%, is still a failing grade. I’m far from getting out my pom poms.
Though both your cicumstances sadden me, I must say I find solace in not being alone. It strengthens my resolve even more to do a great job.
Last night, as I tucked my eldest son in bed (he’s eight), he suddenly said, “I really love you,Mom. And do you want to know why?
‘Tell me,” I said as I stroked his hair.
“Because no matter what, I can count on you Mom. You never let me down.”
And every single one of my parenting efforts were rewarded in that moment.
HAHAHA…welcome to my life. EXCEPT: 1) he DOESN”T pay support and 2) i am a full time student.
Up until this month, i have worked her visitation around HIS schedule, often got things cancelled because of work, or the mentioned “i have things to do that day so i can’t take her”. This month i put my foot down…WHY?
in MAY i went to a lawyer for child support. I told him i was doing it. They couldn’t find him to serve him. we missed a court date. In JULY i served him myself. We talked first. I told him i would be willing to reduce the child support amount if we could avoid fighting. Told him i just wanted to keep things the way they were as far as custody. he got home, texted me, and said he will be fighting for shared custody. (i have a million valid reasons as to why i will NOT let that happen, some of which were mentioned in your blog). AUG comes, and he delays again by not having his paperwork done for court. In the meantime, after declaring his battle for custody, he has refused MANY days i offered for visitation, and cancelled days HE wanted originally.
Where did my foot go down? we faught for 2 months over visitation schedules after his declaration. he wanted to pass our daughter back and forth every other night one week, then not see her for 8 days, bla bla bla. my whole life was unplanned because HE wanted to dictate the schedule…so after he delayed the court process the last time…I MADE THE SCHEDULE and told him that if there was any chunk of time he didn’t want her, i would be happy to keep her home, but i WILL NOT negotiate the schedule. He flat out refused all the wednesday evening visits. didnt’ try to talk to his boss, didn’t try to trade shifts, just refused. To be fair to my daughter, i offered tuesdays instead. again he refused. So he’s getting every second weekend.
i also told him that if i don’t get notice by 8pm the night before he is to have her as to what time he wants to pick her up…i will assume it’s 7 pm. and you can bet your life i will NOT be home for him to take her until 7pm tonight ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
oh yes! I totally went thru this!! Now he just doesnt see his son at all!! and has had the nerve to tell me that he “is a great father because he takes care of his daughter” He would call every 3rd or so weekend and demand that we met RIGHT NOW or he wouldnt take him (I had an OFP and worked from home so he thought that I could just drop everything at 2 in the afternoon and go meet him) and then when he moved into his house he cancelled visitation or just took him “for the day” for 4 of his weekends, thats right 4. The 4th time I told him that it was either the whole weekend or I would just keep him, and he got mad and couldnt understand why I was being like that because I had worked with him the last 3 times!! I told him enough was enough and he tried telling me that I have no idea what it was like because HE was moving all by himself (his girlfriend was pregnant) and to that I replied “well how the hell do you think I did it, I moved by myself WITH 2 kids, and they lived in a house with boxes nothing on the walls for a couple weeks, i’m pretty sure that most people dont get sitters for 2 months to move” What a jackass!!!
I know that his plan is to make it look to our son that I was the bad guy who never let them see eachother, Luckily I have the courts and paperwork on my side to show him that he just didnt do what he was supposed to do to keep his visitation!!!
oh and I forgot he also cancelled Fathers day weekend the last summer that he saw him because he didnt think that it was his weekend……how sad
My situation was similar to this but what made it more complicated was that I was the non-custodial parent paying support. I would go to drop her off at mommy and mommy would not be home and would not hear from her or a week later. Or I would go to her house to pick up the little one and no one was home and the little was at granny’s. She loved the power she had over me.
Jane, good for you for putting your foot down. You’ll have to let me know how your ex’s ‘retraining’ progresses. Doesn’t it feel like you have an ‘acting up’ child on your hands? That’s how I feel sometimes. I mean, we’re adults here, where did courtesy and a sense of doing what’s right disappear to?
Jenn, your ex (and exes like him) needs to understand that when you cover for him on his scheduled time with the kids, you are dong him a ‘FAVOR.’ And as such, the onus is on him to ask politely and offer an explanation instead of assuming you’ll do his parenting for him. I don’t understand why FAVORS are demanded or expected instead of requested with courtesy. It’s a sign of severe immaturity to me, not to mention a power trip and a detriment to the children.
Richie, how sad for your daughter!! That’s the first thing I thought when I read your comment. How must it feel for her to know that mommy wasn’t there? Now that my eldest son is eight and more ‘attuned’ to reality, I’m extra careful he’s never in the situation where he (or the others) feel they aren’t wanted. Cause over time, an absent parent’s power tripping behavior translates, through kids’ eyes, into “Mom (or Dad) didn’t want to see me.” The thought of that breaks my heart. Did your daughter ask questions when mom wasn’t there? How did you handle this?
Richie, thanks for showing that there is another side to this dilemma.
I only ask if you are a full time mom staying at home, receiving child support, just imagine if the roles were reversed. You had a job outside the home and your husband was getting support from you.
We don’t need to get into how much work being a full time parent is, I get that. It is just to try and understand the dynamic. I believe this is a rare case because few can live on child support alone. If you are, it must be a big check!
I will move on to keep my head above water here, lol.
In this post, the dad needs to find a way to make it fun for his kids. Make it an adventure. Ask the mechanic if he can take his kids in to see what he is fixing if allowed. Go have lunch, or whatever. He is spoiled by having an ex to dump his kids. What would he do if he was a widower? Drive without brakes? I doubt it. It just takes extra thought and creativity.
I can be a little investigator sometimes . The weekend to do brakes? I don’t think so. Could there be something or SOMEONE he is really working on ?
Final note: If this is an occasional request, each parent will benefit by helping out in these situations instead of drawing the line in the sand. Real genuine rare occurrence , work together. Always happening — “practice your sign language”.
This is such a typical story for both men and women. The use of power. I spent 18 months married and 8 years in a custody battle. He fought and fought for “rights” that he never excercised. Receiving child support does not make you more responsible for the care of the children any more than paying it releases the responsibilities. People talk a great line about “doing it for their children” yet I find in most cases it’s a lie people tell themselves to release their own guilt and shortcomings. I have known many fathers to not see their children because they don’t feel they have something interesting enough for them to do, and I’ve known many mothers who refuse access because they believe they know what’s best for their children. I am not talking about abusive truly harmful situations. I am talking about losing sight of what’s really the problem. I have also known amazing co-parenting situations where both parties do the right thing…take responsibility for the situation, put their own insecurities and baggage asside and truly care for their children.
When parenting becomes martyrdom there is a problem.
I never resented my ex for not using his access. I made my own choices and moved on and built my family on what was. Not what I wanted it to be. Not what I thought it should be. I didn’t blame or resent I simply dealt with it. My son formed his own impressions of his father and now that he is a young man he has a relationship with him based on his own perceptions. Not mine. I also never protected my ex husband. I never bad mouthed him I just simply told the truth. Our children can handle the truth as long as it is not tempered with our anger and resentments. That would be a diservice to our children and their rights to form their own beliefs.
Honesty is painful. We want to protect our children. We don’t want them hurt. But who are we really protecting? Ourselves? The other parent? We owe it to our children to be honest. If a parent isn’t going to show up this weekend put it on that parent to explain it to the children. Put the responsibilities where they lay. Hold ourselves our children and our spouses responsible for their decissions and let them face the consequences. Believe me I know how hard this is. But trust me. My amazing loving, caring, forgiving adult son is the proof. He harbours no illusions. He is free to love us both on his own terms for who we are. Just as he loves himself for who he is.