Examining The “Buy-Her-A-Drink” Pick-Up Method

Posted by Delaine - August 18, 2009 - Dating & Sex, From the Dating Trenches - 10 Comments

What woman hasn’t found herself in this scenario? 

You’re at a bar, chatting with a girlfriend, when all of a sudden, the bartender or waitress suddenly puts an unordered drink in front of you.  “It’s from that man over there,” she says, pointing across the room.  You look over, only to see a man you aren’t attracted to, smiling over at you.  You smile, maybe wave, and mouth thanks.  That’s the least you can do, right?   Two minutes later, when he garners the courage to approach you, you feel obliged to talk to him; after all, that was kind of him to buy you a drink. To turn it down would be rude; a slap in his face, not to mention a waste of his money and a drink. 

My question to you NOW is:  What did you do wrong in this scenario? 

According to a male friend of mine, you shouldn’t have accepted the drinkPeriod. ”You should send it back with a polite ‘no thank you’ and end the man’s hope right there,” he said.

Now I can only speak for myself and my close girlfriends, but I’ve never thought it right to immediately send the drink back.  The mere thought of that made me feel guilty.  Again, it was a kind gesture, and I thought it would be blatantly rude to waste the drink.

When I told my male friend this, he was genuinely surprised:  “You feel guilty?” he asked.  “The only reason you should feel guilty is if you accept the drink, continue to lead the guy on, only to reject him later.”

Call me stupid but I’d never thought of it from that perspective before.  Out of curiosity, I asked a couple other men what they think.  They totally concurred.  A “thanks, but no thanks” gesture via a drink is more polite than a face-to-face rejection or eventual cold-shoulder.

Now, of course, these are only the opinions of a handful of men.  And if you are of the same or another view, I’d love to hear it.  My sole goal here is to blast through one of the misconceptions/miscommunications between the sexes out in the singles trenches.  I want men to understand that oftentimes women accept drinks out of ‘guilt’ rather than because we enjoy leading them on or because we’re conniving bitches intent on emptying their wallets.  Moreover, I want women to understand that, even though it can feel ugly and uncomfortable, rejecting a man through a drink offer is potentially the most merciful way to show disinterest.