When I was younger (and thought I knew it all), I found it a total turn-off if a man told me he was divorced. Immediately, I thought “failure”, “tainted,” and “person-with-luggage.”

But today, as I wade through the sea of men on dating sites, I find I’ve done a 360 – I actually gravitate more towards those whose status reads “divorced” than those who are “single.” Here’s why:

• Oftentimes, they are fathers. They’ll know first-hand what kind of commitment and lifestyle that involves. AND they probably won’t want me to have a child with them! (read more here)

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Question for men:  When you call a woman for the first time and get her voicemail, what’s the best kind of message to leave her?

Well, for starts:

• DON’T say anything like Dimitri The Stud
• DON’T say anything like Dimitri The Stud
• Oh yeah - and DON’T say anything like Dimitri The Stud!  (Read more here)

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Of all the blogs I’ve written,  One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers is the one that men I actually DATE say they find interesting and insightful; a glimpse into the female psyche if you will.   In this piece I exhume some of the reasons why I may or may not consider going home with a man.  Cause from a woman’s perspective, not just any ‘body’ will do; she is constantly assessing if he’s worth - and worthy - of her and the effort the next-day logistics require.  In other words, respect, mutual pleasure and good intentions must still be in place, depite the night’s casual nature.

At the end of this blog, I dared suggest that when it comes to one-night-stands, men are less picky; that maybe any ‘body’ will, in fact, do. The men I’ve dated have argued that alas, I’m wrong, that men generally aren’t that callous, and want respect, good intentions and a dash of magic too…

Well guys (I’m grinning)…Hate to burst through your defense line!  This comment just in from an exemplary member of your sex:

Whatever you need to tell yourself , honey.

Here is your answer to your “THE MORNING AFTER” problem. There is no such thing as the  “morning after”.

For one nighters…  a man should never take a woman back to “HIS” place.

YOU TAKE HER HOME TO HER PLACE.
And then he LEAVES.

Period.

When done…. we just towel-off big Jim and the twins and get the hell out of there.

There will be no sleeping over. No need to drive you home. No “going to brunch” obligation. No daylight hitting your face. No staring at your ceiling, or accidentally stepping on your cats.

Solved.

Don’t worry guys - I’m still grinning.  Guess this man is one of the simple-minded, piggish jerks I wrote about that you and I both roll our eyes at.  Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that “Big Jim” ain’t quite so big?  *grin.

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I know that parents - divorced or not - can have very different opinions about talking to their kids about sex.  Not just over who should do the explaining (ie: school board vs same sex parent vs a book), but at what age the initial conversation should take place and how much info should be given. 

Me?  Why this divorced mom had the introductory conversation with her seven-year-old AND eight-year-old sons last weekend – at separate times.   No, I didn’t ‘plan’ it, though I’d been thinking about it for awhile. The right opportunities simply presented themselves, so I jumped on them. (Read more here)

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What woman hasn’t found herself in this scenario? 

You’re at a bar, chatting with a girlfriend, when all of a sudden, the bartender or waitress suddenly puts an unordered drink in front of you.  “It’s from that man over there,” she says, pointing across the room.  You look over, only to see a man you aren’t attracted to, smiling over at you.  You smile, maybe wave, and mouth thanks.  That’s the least you can do, right?   Two minutes later, when he garners the courage to approach you, you feel obliged to talk to him; after all, that was kind of him to buy you a drink. To turn it down would be rude; a slap in his face, not to mention a waste of his money and a drink.  (read more here)

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So I’m becoming less judgmental and more open to men. That’s a broad statement, I know. But ever since I watched the movie, The Ugly Truth, and saw how underneath Gerard’s Butler piggish character was a wounded man with a big heart, the more sympathetic AND curious I’ve become about what makes men the way they are.

Now let me make this clear: under no circumstances do I think men acting like pigs and jerks towards women is inexcusable. Men are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour and choices no matter what, as are women. That being said, women slicing all men to pieces and making huge stereotypes is not the way to go either. For that unfairly lumps Good Men in with the Jerks AND doesn’t permit us to see through the ‘facade’ of Jerks. The main objective here is to respectfully ‘get along’, isn’t it?

Recently, I’ve begun asking men why THEY think men act like pigs and players towards women. I may just be skimming the surface, so please enlighten me if need be; but here’s what I’ve gotten back:

1) Their behaviour is usually a coping/self-defence mechanism. They’ve been hurt badly by a woman (or more) and instead of processing that hurt in a healthy way, they choose to treat women like ‘sexual objects.’

Now, a part of me immediately rolls my eyes when I hear that. I think, “Oh, get over it,” and “And you don’t think us women have been hurt too??? C’mon!” But this leads to point #2.

2) Men’s ability to ‘process’ and express their feelings is largely hindered by society’s definition of what it means to be a man. Growing up, men are STILL learning to shove their feelings inside. This is further exacerbated by the relationships many men have with their fathers – the old school take on what it means to be a man is still being passed on.

Again, a part of me is still rolling my eyes when I hear that. I think, “Well us women face immense social and family challenges around who we’re suppose to be too, so why should I have sympathy for you? “ But again, I’m trying to open a door of understanding here – this isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m just trying to understand…

3) Men are confused as all hell about what women want and even NEED from them. In many ways, women seem to be doing it all. Men don’t know where their place is. It’s not that men want to STOP women from their progress in so much as they don’t know where their role begins and ends as a result. When it comes right down to it, men want to feel like men, but they don’t know what that means anymore. Similarly, they want to make women feel like women and they don’t know what that means either.

To this, I respond that I understand the ‘confusion.’ I’m confused too about what I feel my roles as a woman are. I feel intense pressure to do it all. And I will surmise that this situation is confusing and scary on the male side too.

A part of me thinks we’re going through a mass social upheaval –all hell is breaking loose so that eventually we all earn to value one another individually verses based on gender, skin color, religion, or what have you. Maybe, collectively, some massive message is to eventually be written for us all to understand…

But in the meantime, as the boundaries continue to break down, I think it’s important we’re aware of when we’re erecting new walls that hurt and judge and degrade people of the opposite sex. I know that on some levels, I’ve been guilty of this too; I’ve punished men for the crimes of other men.

But underneath it all, I really do love you men. There are many things about you that I admire and want and even need from you. Otherwise, well… I wouldn’t be out there dating, would I?

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So I’ve finally reached the point where I’m not totally embarrassed of the fact that I’ve been living in Low-Income Hell since March; that’s when my ex-husband lost his job and my child AND spousal support both went up in smoke – overnight.

It’s been hard.  REALLY hard.  I’ve laid awake many a night stressing over how me and the kids would get by this summer.  But you know what I just realized?  School is just around the corner – and I DID it:  I made sure my kids had a darn good summer despite everything  (patting self on back).  (read more here) 

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This past Friday night, I found myself wanting to get dressed up and go out, but all of my girlfriends were busy. I was frustrated; I didn’t want to spend my limited time off without kids watching a movie at home. But what was the alternative? Go to a bar lounge by myself? No way!

I then began wondering how many divorced women find themselves in this situation. Cause let’s face it – once we hit a certain age, most of our friends are married, have kids and aren’t interested in going out.  (read more here)

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I’ve heard it said that most men are ’simple’ creatures. They love ‘T’ and ‘A’ and think about women’s orifices many times a day. They don’t like drama queens or control freaks. They want women to laugh at their jokes. And NOTHING, I mean NOTHING brings them greater joy than a great blow job first thing in the morning. 

In the recent movie release, The Ugly Truth, actor Gerard Butler plays the role of an obnoxious, rude TV dating coach who tells women the ugly truth about men and relationships.  And for the first part of the movie I despised him: he reminded me of the piggish, unevolved, simple-minded jerks I’ve dated in past. (Read more here)

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I know the subject of today’s blog might be a ‘toughy’ for you men. For you see, today’s topic is about COMMUNICATION - or rather, your inability to be shut up when that’s what us women want/need you to do.  (Smiling sweetly)

Case scenario: Say a woman tells you she needs some time to process something. Maybe something happened at work or at home. Or maybe it’s something YOU did.

Let’s say she also CLEARLY indicates that her feelings are all over the place. In fact, she admits they’re even illogical. Nonetheless, they are feelings, they are real, and they need to run their course.

Now - she WILL inevitably try and talk to you at some point about these feelings. She won’t want to ‘lock you out’ forever. She’ll want you to understand, if not respect, the inner workings of her brain/heart - EVEN if they’re a tad illogical.

So - as she shares her feelings with you – feelings that even she knows aren’t logical - should you:

a) tune out

b) constantly cut her off, ie: “But why did/didn’t you do THIS?”

c) problem-solve for her

d) poke fun at her

e) shut the hell up and just listen

If the obvious answer doesn’t stand out for you, let me highlight it: it’s e) shut the hell up and listen. Oh – and if you’re half-way eloquent, a few supportive words can go a long way too.

NOW, you may think your problem-solving abilities are in her best interest. And honey, those questions you want to throw at her may even be some the BEST EVER. But do you know what happens when you jump in like that?  Try again; are you:

a) not giving her a voice

b) coming across like you’re judging her

c) coming across like you’re BLAMING her

d) making the issue about you instead of her

e) basically acting an insensitive Ass

f) all of the above

And if the answer to THAT question isn’t blatantly obvious, then the word “hole’ is missing from line “e”.

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