Relationships: Do Women Need ‘Deeper’ Men?
A divorcing girlfriend of mine is dating a man who, externally, seems to have it all – good looks, wealth, the trimmings. And inwardly, there’s no denying he is a good, decent man. Together, they seem to make good ‘partners,’ going places, doing projects, having fun…
Recently, however, she confessed: “On some deeper level, we don’t connect – it’s like he only runs so deep and then I lose him. And I wonder, Do I need to be with a deeper man to truly be in love? Or am I looking for, or expecting something, that doesn’t even exist?”
Immediately, I knew how my friend felt – that strange feeling that ‘something’ was missing. It’s a depth. A deeper connection. A place where one feels liberated. Heard. Fulfilled…
It wasn’t that my friend’s man wasn’t kind. Or thoughtful. Or many great things, for he WAS. No - the feeling of lack came from somewhere else within her: it was like he stirred her heart, but not her soul; like her soul was beyond his comprehension.
She said: “A few times during our conversations, I actually felt like I was rambling and talking too much; that whatever I said was insignificant – uninteresting – cause he couldn’t ‘go there’ with me whatsoever. I hated feeling that way. It felt belittling…almost condescending.”
Now THAT was a feeling I knew – THAT was me during my marriage. Not connecting on that deeper level eventually lead to my feeling unheard…and unvalued. I’d told myself it wasn’t important – that my ex-husband and I were a great ‘team’ in so many other ways. But now I know that was the biggest self-told lie I could tell – for being unheard at that level only ate away at my soul.
I told my girlfriend to be wary – for I think her ‘depth’ is one of the most beautiful aspects of who she is. And she deserves to be with a man who not only ‘goes there’ with her, but loves and appreciates her for it…
May that be a reminder to me as well.
3 comments
I think that when we’re younger and looking for a man to build a family with, we ofen don’t know what we really need in terms of a connection to really make us happy. I think it’s wonderful that you and your girlfriend have the wherewithal and smarts to look within yourselves and the men you meet to zoom in on what you really want. Your article will be at the back of my mind when I’m meeting men and trying to figure out what I want and need too. Thanks.
There are so many things that need to come together for a successful relationship, but that deep spiritual, emotional connection is so, so important – I would not compromise on it for a second when contemplating a serious, committed relationship with someone.
The people I consider my best, closest friends are the ones I connect with on that kind of deep level – if I know I can have that with people I’m not romantically involved with, why would I accept anything less when it comes to a person that I’m even more intimately involved with?
Even if a relationship doesn’t begin with a deep friendship, if there’s no potential for that kind of friendship to develop along side the romance, it doesn’t sound like something that would be truly emotionally fulfilling over the long term.
Well each partner should at least try to get there. If he is turning off or tuning out then that ain’t good for sure.