I’m sitting here wearing my SuperGirl jammies, with freshly painted toenails and a white skin mask on. Yes, I’m having an evening of self-pampering.  But tonight feels different than other ‘grooming’  nights - it’s the kick-off to my 10-day ‘vacation’ without my three kids.

This is the first time since I had kids, eight years ago, that I’ve had this much time off to myself.  And I’m not sure what to do with myself!

Since getting divorced, I’ve grown accustomed to my ex taking the kids  maybe once/twice a month, and normally they’re back within 24 - 48 hours.  That time off gets eaten up quickly - catching up on sleep, scheduling some much-needed ‘girlfriend time,’ working like a madwoman, then POOF!  I’m right back on full-time mommy duty.

But now - and for the next ten days, I not only have time to ‘catch up’ on my life, I can completely, fully decompress.  And RECHARGE.

A part of me is still in denial this is happening: my brain keepings throwing a list of things at me that I need to do PRONTO.  But then, then I remember - I’m alone for the next 10 days.  NOTHING is an emergency right NOW.

Already I’m doing a few things differently - for no other reason than because I CAN.  For example:

• I haven’t turned on the stove
• I’ve ignored the laundry hamper (I usually do one load every day)
• I took two showers and walked around naked in the middle of the day
• I blasted ABBA on youtube and danced in my office at 2 a.m.

And with that, I’ll bid you adieu - I’m going to go enjoy a good book!

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Relationship Patterns: I Don’t Want to Be A Man’s Psychologist

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I’m writing this at 1 a.m. and am completely exhausted.

Yesterday evening, the sound of my seven-year-old screaming outside launched me out my front door in my socks. I ran towards him in the park, heart pounding. “I hit Kyle by accident!” he screamed. “I hit him in the head with my golf club.”  (read more here)

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She’s Only Staying Married For The Kids

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I started online dating about six months into my separation. And when my ex-husband found out, it was an ‘awkward’ moment:

He was in my office and asked me which site I was on (he knew all the site names, for whatever reason).  He then told me to pull up my profile, (which I did, cause I was so taken aback by the whole situation) and he stood there laughing and evaluating my written profile and photos. (Read more here)

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I’m not squeamish.  Nor am I a girly girl or a princess-type.  But my stomach is still in my throat - this event took me off guard!

I was talking on the phone and walking through the kitchen.  For whatever reason, my eyes were drawn to the burner on my stove.  Suddenly it registered what I was witnessing: a furry little mouse looked at me, then scurried down below.

Pausing for a moment here.   EWWWWWWWWW!

This unexpected incident has lead to me think of the other challenges I’ve faced since becoming a single mom.  Like my furnace giving out on me when it was minus 45 outside (no, I’m not kidding).  Or when the pipes backed up so badly in the basement, the stench was horrific for days.  Or when a bunch of bees decided to set up residence in the pipey-thing that leads to my clothes dryer.

At such times I’ve wished I had a man at home with me to help.  Not just help, but totally take care of the situations.  Cause truth is, I don’t know how to, nor do I ever want to.

BUT…I made it through all these ‘crises.’  A bit of help from friends and a wee but of my own common sense and persistence have always saved the day.  Sometimes I’ve impressed myself - like when I fixed the busted end of my garden hose.  I stood there with my toolbox and the new part, prepared to work at it for hours if need be.  But five minutes later, voila!  It was done!  And I was so proud I showed everyone who came over for weeks!

And on that note, I’m off to buy mousetraps.  I can’t sit here any longer cause I keep imagining a furry visitor scurrying through my office door and up my pant leg.  (shudder)

Other Articles:

Big Step: Introducing  A Man to the Kids

I’m no “MILF”.  You’re the SMILF!

Disempowering Marital Sex

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I’ve put off and put off and put off writing this blog because I was worried about coming across as a whiner.  But as my Good Man has reminded me once again, I’m not SuperWoman.  And so I confess:  I sometimes find it really hard being a divorced mom with no family support here in town.

Recently I spent two weeks in Ottawa with my extended family.  And watching my kids play with their many cousins and being around my warm and loving family really made me wish I didn’t live so far away.  My children were so happy.  And for the first time in ages, I felt supported; like I could breathe.  ….(read more here)

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Internet Dating:  10 Expert Tips From a 38-Year-Old Divorced Mom

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A divorcing girlfriend of mine is dating a man who, externally, seems to have it all – good looks, wealth, the trimmings. And inwardly, there’s no denying he is a good, decent man. Together, they seem to make good ‘partners,’ going places, doing projects, having fun…

Recently, however, she confessed: “On some deeper level, we don’t connect – it’s like he only runs so deep and then I lose him. And I wonder, Do I need to be with a deeper man to truly be in love? Or am I looking for, or expecting something, that doesn’t even exist?”

Immediately, I knew how my friend felt – that strange feeling that ‘something’ was missing. It’s a depth. A deeper connection. A place where one feels liberated. Heard. Fulfilled…

It wasn’t that my friend’s man wasn’t kind. Or thoughtful. Or many great things, for he WAS. No - the feeling of lack came from somewhere else within her: it was like he stirred her heart, but not her soul; like her soul was beyond his comprehension.

She said: “A few times during our conversations, I actually felt like I was rambling and talking too much; that whatever I said was insignificant – uninteresting - cause he couldn’t ‘go there’ with me whatsoever. I hated feeling that way. It felt belittling…almost condescending.”

Now THAT was a feeling I knew – THAT was me during my marriage. Not connecting on that deeper level eventually lead to my feeling unheard…and unvalued.  I’d told myself it wasn’t important – that my ex-husband and I were a great ‘team’ in so many other ways. But now I know that was the biggest self-told lie I could tell – for being unheard at that level only ate away at my soul.

I’m not a relationship expert. God knows I’m still figuring out me and men and relationships as I go… But I told my girlfriend to be wary – for I think her ‘depth’ is one of the most beautiful aspects of who she is. And she deserves to be with a man who not only ‘goes there’ with her, but loves and appreciates her for it…

May that be a reminder to me as well.

Other Articles:
Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

Survival Mode: ‘Existing’ Post-Infidelity & Divorce

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Though there may be some exceptions to the rule, in my opinion, ‘emotional affairs’ are the same, if not worse, than jumping in bed with someone else. 

I’ve heard many justifications from people:  “But it’s not really cheating cause I haven’t had sex with her. ”  Or:  “We just have this connection, you know.  I can’t expect my spouse to be everything I need, so why not enjoy it in another person?”

I’m not writing this to tell anyone what to do.  Nor am I going to massacre anyone in this situation.  I just want to people to ‘get real’: cut through the self-told justifications.  Why?  Cause underneath it all, whether you’ve had sex or not, a part of you knows the ‘truth’ - of your feelings, that is.  The sooner you see it, the sooner you can make the best choices that empower you…and prevent you from hurting others.

Ask yourself the following questions regarding you and your ‘friend’.  If you answer yes to any of them, know, there’s a great chance you’re playing with fire:

• Do you get butterflies in your stomach when thinking of him/her?  
• Do you fantasized/daydream about him/her?
• Are you talking, texting and/or emailing every day or close to?
• Would you be OK with your spouse overhearing your conversations?
• Are you not telling your ex because you know it will raise suspicions?
• Does he’she stimulate you on all levels, including the heart level? 
• Does the thought of not talking to him anymore leave you feeling empty?
• Do you wonder, ‘what if…?’
• Do you compare this ‘friend’ to your partner?
• Is it negatively affecting the emotional and physical intimacy you have with your spouse?

Again, I’m writing this not to judge people, but to help them ’get real.’  For the bottom line is, if you play with fire you CAN get burnt… But you know what?  It might also awaken you.  Either way, honesty with yourself is key.

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Relationship Patterns: I don’t want to be a man’s psychologist

The Man of My Dreams Will Lie In Bed With Me & Discuss A Good Book

Danger: Living Solo & Becoming Set in Our Ways After Divorce

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Last night I met with an old boyfriend here in Ottawa (I’m still on vacation with my kids).  We hadn’t seen each other in some 15 years.  

It wasn’t something I planned, it just kind of ‘happened.’  Easily.  And it wasn’t till the end of the night that I realized that he was meant to give me a ‘message.’

He kept asking me what I’d been up to over the past 15 years.  He wanted details; he cared to know.  So I tried to briefly sum it up - you know, moving across the country, getting married, having three kids, getting divorced, being single again…

And I gotta say, telling my ’story’ felt weird - almost as if I was making it up.  It was as if time had played tricks on me and none of the past decade had even happened. I felt like I was in a time warp: I was sitting across from a super cute man I’d dated and had sex with and cared about many years ago.  I knew him, yet I didn’t at all.  The bar we were in was one we use to frequent; I knew it, yet I didn’t - it had been renovated and had changed owners a few times over the years.  I felt the energy of a much-younger Delaine all around me, the Delaine of her twenties.    

I wondered how I seemed to him - if the heaviness of the past few years of my life showed in my eyes, my aura, and the lines on my face.  Did I seem bitter?  I wondered.  Jaded?  Closed?  Angry?  Was he secretly thinking, “Oh my, what a shame that Delaine has turned into this?”

But at the end of the night, as he drove me to my car, I heard him deliver the ‘message’ I needed to hear.  Out of the blue he began talking about the great impact I’d had on his life when we were younger…and how, even now, he could easily see what a warm, wonderful woman I am - his ‘adjectives’ went on and on.  Finally,  “You haven’t changed at all, Delaine,” he said.

I balked; mouth open.  I haven’t changed?  Is he on glue???

Then a whisper from my Higher Self:  Shut up and let his words in, Delaine.  You ARE still the same warm, beautiful soul today as you were back then.   You are so much more than just some single mom who weathered divorce and infidelity. You aren’t as hardened as you thought…

Warmth spread through my chest….

And I smiled.

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I was sitting around the campfire with my kids and extended family when an ongoing conversation seized my attention.

At first, I thought my older brother was organizing a “boys-only” camping trip and inviting my uncle along.    But I quickly learned there was a special mission behind this getaway:  he was planning to celebrate his eldest son’s passage into manhood.

My brother didn’t have any particular ‘ceremonies’ planned.  But his idea was to surround his son with important, positive male role models who would individually and collectively express to him what it means to ‘be a man’ during this special weekend. 

I totally admired my brother’s intentions.  After all, other cultures and religions hold celebrations around this stage in a boy’s maturation, so why shouldn’t he create one that’s meaningful to his family?

But then the inevitable happened - I started thinking about my own sons.  And since they live in a divorced home, dad not around very much, uncles rarely present, who might take the initiative some day and plan such an event in their lives?

I know my sons’ passages to manhood lie years ahead so I’m totally jumping the gun.  But as a mom - a divorced mom - I worry about my sons’ not having a positive male role model in their day-to-day lives.  In a way it makes me kind of panic - like I should make finding a Good Man the top priority.

But of course, we can’t force anything to happen, and that’s just me going momentarily crazed.   I know that if the time comes and no significant male is in their daily lives, I can fly my sons back East so they can be with their uncles.    And if worse comes to worst, I will do my own ceremony with each of them - take each away somewhere special, just the two of us.

One thing is for sure:  this ceremony won’t involve sliding him some dirty mags, getting him drunk and taking him to see strippers.  No, I’m not kidding when I say this.  For it’s my belief that this is the extent of some fathers’ depth and spiritual awareness.

Other Articles:

Sleeping With A Man After Divorce

Big Step: Introducing A Man to the Kids

Is it Wrong to Slam Deadbeat Dads on TV?

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So I’m on the other side of Canada, visiting all my ‘un-divorced’ siblings.  Right now I’m sitting in my older brother’s new house  - a house that is so big, I don’t think I’d know if a bomb went off in the left wing.

The other day I visited my younger brother’s house.  And as I stood outside this brand new, 5000-square foot mansion with SUVs parked out front, my jaw was dragging on the driveway.

As for my sister and her family, they aren’t here - they live in Australia.  But I know they’re on a three-day sojourn at their holiday property in Western Australia, something they’ve accumulated alongside revenue properties.

I’m not writing any of this to sound materialistic.  And please don’t think that I’m jealous.  I’m not only happy that my siblings are living so comfortably, I’m proud of them for all their hard work…and for holding their marriages together.

But as the only divorced sibling, I can’t help but feel a bit ummmm…. ‘different’ than the pack right now.  It’s not that THEY’re saying or doing anything to cause this.  It all comes from me.  It’s me realizing how different my life circumstances are than theirs.  And it’s a reminder that if MY family dream had held together, the external trimmings of my life would well have ressembled theirs.

But I would never change my decision to divorce; I couldn’t stay married for money and ‘things.’  And it’s not as if these ‘trimmings’ are forever gone in so much as they’ve been delayed.  Divorce was just an UNexpected detour on the path to my Family Dream.

And so I remind myself to enrich my life with the laughter and music of my chidlren.  To find joy in the simple things…and to have hope and faith.  For some day my heart and soul WILL be filled by an amazing new man in my life.   And this road I’ve taken to finding him will make all that we build together all the sweeter.

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