Relationship Patterns: I Don’t Want to Be a Man’s Psychologist
Flash back a few years ago. Sitting on a park bench with a man I loved, a man I thought the greatest human being on earth.
He was showing me old photos from his childhood, words, stories, spilling out of his mouth. I sat there listening, loving him, wanting to know more, wanting to help him pull all the pieces of his mixed up life together; how he went from THERE…to here.
His eyes beseeched me for answers, and carefully, thoughtfully, I responded to him. No pretence. No effort. It was just me being me: kind, warm, deep, and maybe a little off in left field.
He digested my responses. I could see some ‘aha’ moments happening. And I loved him even more…for listening, for sharing, for allowing me to be me.
Fast forward to the present. To my Good Man, a man I’ve come to care for deeply – intensely – even though our relationship is cyber only.
“I find myself clinging to you,” he has written numerous times. “I feel lost without you, like I need you in my life every day as a guidepost.”
His words warmed my heart, a heart that has been closed for almost two years. For I’ve been the real Delaine with him: kind, warm, deep, and yes, kinda off in left field. I’ve been ‘opening’ to him, and he’s been hearing me, matching me, connecting with me on that higher level.
So what’s the problem?
I’m miffed – and confused. For I opened myself to both of these men, offered them that special, real, true part of me….yet they can’t/couldn’t love me in the way I want in return. The man from the park bench turned out to be nothing but a liar and cheater. And my Good Man? He lives far far away from me and is still in love with his wife who died last year.
I have to be very careful. It is my core nature to be kind, wise, and loving, even though I’ve kept men at arm’s length these past two years. And I like those aspects of me. I’m changing right now – the armor is coming down - I’m opening again. Yet I am so afraid of being a fool.
I don’t want to mistake me acting like a man’s psychologist, for us connecting and loving each other in a higher way.
I don’t want invest my heart in helping/fixing a broken man, only to have MY heart broken.
I want him to treasure and return my kindness, wisdom and love…instead of stealing it.
And most importantly…I don’t want to shut down this authentic, beautiful part of me that is oh so cautiously re-emerging again.
4 comments
Great post, it really spoke to me. I too have often acted as a man’s therapist, thinking we had ‘connection’ when in fact, it was me spinning my wheels with someone who needed to help himself.
It takes energy and love to really be there for someone. Listening, not just with one’s mind but with one’s heart. It’s not just a female charactertic – it’s just one that tends to be underdeveloped in most men.
I undertsand your fears Delaine. It hurts to care. It hurts to take risks, knowing the deceit and pain that mayb lie ahead as well.
I think you’re on your way to finding balance though. And through discerenment, you will know when the man beside you is worthy of your ear and heart.
You are stretching. Changing. And it is so inspiring to take this trip with you. I look at my own path, my own self, and I find pieces of my own truth, my own questions, intermingled with yours.
I don’t have the answers for you. But thanks for helping me dig up some new questions. That’s an important part of the journey.
Reciprocity is important. Does he do the same for you? Is he still healing from his loss? Can he see you not just the help that you offer from his pain?
Hard questions. I ask them of myself. I know what this is like. I think you have to trust yourself to know when there is an imbalance.
If there is one then it is time to move on. If you are getting what you need from him then there is no loss.
But you typed that he communicated that you were his guidepost. A guidepost is not a woman. Maybe a friend. Does anybody want to sleep with a life raft in a non-emergency situation?
Trust yourself and your instincts.
I have been talking with a guy for a few weeks and we met for dinner last friday. I realized very quickly that this wasn’t going to work because we were at very different places in our divorces and he still had major issues to deal with. Found that most of our conversation was centered around his situation with his ex and I knew that he was still connected to her in a major way. I felt like his therapist giving him advice, not like a woman on a date. Oh well. Live and learn.