Internet Dating:Can Too Much Pre-Talk Wreck the In-Person Meeting?

Posted by Delaine - May 22, 2009 - Dating & Sex, Internet Dating - 1 Comment


A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and I’m curious as to what you think: If you talk to a prospective online date a lot by phone or IM, can it spoil the in-person meeting?

My personal opinion?  Yes, it can. 


Now don’t get me wrong – I always pre-screen a man once or twice by phone or through Instant Messenger before meeting in person; there has to be a mutual interest, and, it’s a matter of safety.   

But I won’t talk to a man for hours/days before meeting him.  Why?  Cause I’ve found it consistently raises false expectations of who he is, and how we might click. 

When I talk to a man on Instant Messenger, I begin ‘filling him in’ – that is, I construct a mental and emotional sketch of who I hope him to be. The more we chat, the more elaborate that sketch becomes.

Same when I hear his voice on the phone.  Though it’s a more personal medium, the phone makes my ‘fill in’ process go wild.  I imagine him talking to me in person; how he carries himself, how he looks at me, the energy he has about him. 

The flesh and blood meeting is then set up for a reality jolt.  That mesmerizing deep voice, those beautifully constructed sentences, came from someone I have no chemistry with in person. 

When I initially meet a man in person, I can usually decide within the first five to ten minutes if I’m interested.  So why waste excessive valuable time chatting beforehand?  Sure, he might make a great ‘friend’ – but as a single, working mom of three, I have trouble making time for my best friends.  I’m simply not willing to sacrifice this precious resource for every online date.