Dating After Divorce: Is a ‘Spark” Necessary?
He was sooooo nice. So very, very nice. Well-spoken… mature… a fun personality. And I really did enjoy talking to him.
But I felt no spark; I just wasn’t attracted to him. Not just physically, but energetically.
He wanted to meet me for a second date. I really didnt want to…but again, I went over his very nice qualities. “He’s the kind of man a single mother of three SHOULD date, I thought.” Stable, adoring of children, gentle, smart…
But still, the idea of another date with him left me feeling….well…nothing.
I felt guilty for my non-reaction – like I ‘should’ try anyways. A two-hour date was way too quick for me to ‘know’, right?
But a couple of days later, I decided I just couldn’t do it. I sent him an email to politely decline meeting him again; didn’t want to keep him hanging on… He didn’t write me back. I hoped I hadn’t hurt the man’s feelings. He’d seemed so… hopeful.
I brought up the matter for discussion a week later with my ‘friend with benefits’. I thought he might have insight; he’s been doing the dating thing for almost ten years since his marriage split. His response: “Don’t even bother with ‘shoulds.’ It’s either there or it isn’t. I’ve tried to make it work with ‘nice’ ladies before. I’ve tried to stay with them for all the right reasons. But it’s either there or it isn’t. You just know.”
“But is one date really enough?” I asked unconvinced.
“Definitely. Or, at least it’s enough to know if there’s a spark. As we get older, we ‘know’ these things even quicker.”
“You make it sounds so simple Chad…” I replied, shaking my head.
“It IS simple Delaine,” he replied. “You can’t force it. It’s the same with sex. You either have great chemistry - like you and me – or you don’t. It’s energy.”
Maybe Chad’s right. Maybe if, when you swallow a man’s energy and there’s no flutter inside, that’s all you need to know: it’s a dead end. Even if you’re a single mom, there’s no reason to settle for ‘no spark.’ If anything, after all you’ve been endured and sacrificed to get where you are now, you should know better than to even consider it.
5 comments
I beleive in sparks all the way. Especially after a two-hour date…I think a person knows these things. I can’t settle for less. I NEED a spark or I just waste time trying to convince myself to be interested.
At this stage in my life, I want the spark. I want the mental, emotional and physical connection all to be there. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I also don’t want to settle for anything less than I deserve. Why waste his and my time on something that will end up going nowhere. We all know if there is something there or not fairly quickly. I thought I was with the kind of guy I “should” be with and that was a big fat mess.
A logical part of me still insists that my need for a ‘spark’ is me wanting to play with fire – and you know what they say about playing with fire…
I hear all this stuff about what true love is and how the spark dies over time anyways, thus people should focus more on friendhip and practical issues. But man…it’s hard to go without the sizzle:) It doesn’t have to be a wild, out-of-control sizzle, but jeez, at least something tugs at my senses!
This blog has been so helpful to read. I am 24 and my parents have been divorced now for 5 years. In the past year I feel that it finally hit me. At the time I broke up with a boyfriend and now it makes sense. I feel that I have lost the belief that love can prevail and can be lasting. I feel so scared right now. I just want to get past feelings of doubt about my current boyfriend because he is so wonderful. It makes me so angry at my parents. They did not have a good marriage. They still to this day will tell me that they fought the whole time. They used to say bad things about each other to me. And now they question if I love them. I tell them all the time that I do. It hurts so much. How am I supposed to love my boyfriend and just know it will all be okay? I don’t want to break up out of fear. But I feel so scared that I will just end up alone because I don’t want to end up like my parents. I also try to explain to my boyfriend how I feel but there is only so much I can say because I don’t want to scare him away. I don’t want to lose him. Any comforting words would be great. Thank you.
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For me, the sizzle came on date number 4, and we’ve been in the frying pan ever since! Sometimes you have to get to know someone, kind of like peeling back the layers on an onion, to see what’s really inside.