Would You/ Have You Tried Cyber Sex?
A newly-divorcing woman wrote me this weekend to say she’d begun internet dating after 10 years of marriage. “But I don’t get this cyber sex thing,” she said. “It seems like many men are looking for it. And in all honesty, I’ve been tempted. Have YOU had cyber sex Delaine?”
Well (clearing throat), even though this is a very personal question, I think it’s one many divorcing women/men come face-to-face with when they explore online dating. So I’m going to answer it: Yes. I HAVE had cyber sex. Only a handful of times. And only back when I first started e-dating. Thus, as a divorced woman who has ‘been-there, done-that’, here are a few of my thoughts on cyber sexing.
At the very beginning, I found even the mere idea of cyber sex ludicrous. Totally impersonal, immoral, and a waste of time. But… then one night, a brilliant two-hour Instant Messaging (IM) conversation with a man started to take on a new tone – THAT tone. Flirtatious comments started getting more and more personal; the nitty gritty was getting down and coming out. And alone in my office, with no one around to see or judge or know, I said “Oh, what the hay’ and kept going…
It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced IM sex to understand… But online, this intense kind of ‘energy connection’ can happen. It’s as if energy knows no time or space, like quantum physicists proclaim. Add some hormones to the picture, a social medium you’re unacquainted with, and maybe even a dash of momentary naughtiness, and suddenly it can actually FEEL like that person is in the room with you – their energy opens up to you through words.
I can’t speak for everyone else but I personally think a little bit of cyber sex helped me transition to dating/having sex again after divorce. Being single again was daunting, scary, and also rather exciting. IM sex allowed me to explore and play from the safety of my own home. It gave me a rush, it felt fun, and it was 100% totally harmless. And when you’re in the throes of divorce and life is choatic, it sometimes feels good to ‘have a thrill.’ It juxtaposes the Darkness. And it also hints that there’s a big big world out there awaiting your discovery.
In my cases, I never had cyber sex with just ‘any’ man or straight out of the starting gates of conversation; I wanted to get to know them first. And in all cases, I ended up meeting them face-to-face. I’ve heard people complain that cybersex ruins the actual in-person first date because it builds up expectations. That happened to me once, so I can see that point. Cause sometimes people act differenly online than they do in person. And the fantastical world of cyberspace can be far different from reality.
I think it comes down to what you’re motivations and goals are in e-dating. If you’re allowing yourself to be playful and aren’t taking the whole thing too seriously, then I don’t see a problem with it; you’re an adult and can make your own decisions. Just be careful you aren’t ‘hiding’ behind your computer and letting it prevent you from real life. But if you’re really hoping to make a genuine connection with someone, I think it’s best to wait and stay clear of that sexually charged conversation to see what your chemistry is like in person.
Cyber sex is something that I personally choose to avoid at this point in my e-dating life. For various reasons. First, I don’t find it fulfilling, I find it a tease. Moreover, I’m much more comfortable with the cyberdating world now so I haven’t this need to ‘explore’ that I once had. And thirdly, at the end of the day, most men I speak with online can’t write!!!! As a writer, I get annoyed and tired of the graphic nature of their sexual descriptions. Thus, now, when men come on like raging bulls, I tell them to back off. My cardinal rule is “I DON’T do cyber sex.” They’ll have to impress me in other ways first. And THAT, my friends, happens RARELY! lol
9 comments
I haven’t tried this…YET lol. But yeah, it’s been tempting a few times. You have a great attitude Delaine!
I haven’t tried this…YET lol. But yeah, it’s been tempting a few times. You have a great attitude Delaine!
If you can find a man who knows how to write, it can be very intense. But like you said, lots of men don’t write well; cock and pussy are the only words that needn’t be spell checked lol. It becomes hardcore instead of sensual. And that’s a turn off for me.
If you can find a man who knows how to write, it can be very intense. But like you said, lots of men don’t write well; cock and pussy are the only words that needn’t be spell checked lol. It becomes hardcore instead of sensual. And that’s a turn off for me.
I’ve secretly indulged too (giggles). It beats nothing!
I have had cyber sex, it took me a couple of tries to not to be shy and to get over the weirdness. But after that, it was fun. and when we finally did meet!!!Ill never tell!!!
I used to write erotic fantasy for fun. I know it doesn’t sound like something a writer would readily undertake unless it had some financial value. However if I were to mention that I had a girlfriend at the time who would readily listen to my voice while she masturbated prior to any sexual contact, you’ll probably understand why I got into avidly producing this type of creative writing.
Subsequently a few years ago a very good friend of mine, a fellow scribbler, suggested that I might approach a publisher with relation to these passionate tales of sexual indulgence. And hey, guess what? They actually sold.
To be totally truthful I have only partially tested the inky waters of cybersex, purely in an experimental capacity, and found it to be quite exhilarating in respect of knowing that I can work a willing recipient up to the point of a healthy orgasm, and then with a few words of encouragement, help her to for fill that prerequisite. It’s all down to what I like to term the L.I.T principal. Listen, imagine and touch. Obviously the recipient’s mood has to be correctly balanced. It’s not something that can be achieved with a recipient who has just had an awful day in the office. If anybody out there wants to try Cybersex they should firstly understand why a woman isn’t anything like a man with respect to how she perceives sex.
Respectively speaking and in general terms, all that men seem to be concerned with during Cybersex is a woman who can respond to him with enough sexual idioms to give him the erection he requires to masturbate. Course! I know, but often true unfortunately.
The majority of women on the other hand are completely different. They tend to want to be aroused intellectually long before they are aroused sexually. A measure of confidence is required before they will allow the conversation to take on a more physical aspect. Although they want a man to take the first step, they don’t want him to take total control of the conversation. Once the ice has been successfully broken she will require knowledge of how he is responding to her physically, how much he desires her sexually, and what he wants of her and how much he is willing to say to satisfy her. The ability to tell a story is essential; the ability to tell a story fluently as you would practice slow erotic fore play is paramount. The golden rule to remember is that to successfully encompass cybersex you must be prepared to use the full potential of your vocabulary to substitute the physical presence of the other person. However although the use of the words associated with sexual vulgarity may have a place in cybersex, I have personally found that good sound descriptive words will arouse a woman’s sexual interest far better than base words like cock and pussy. As a good pointer I have always thought that ‘I want you to feel my hot tongue rising through the soft, pink folds of your labia!’ far more interesting than, ‘I want to lick your pussy. Of course there will be individuals who will respond differently, this is only human nature. Have fun!
Delanie, I’d love to practice with you so I can improve my writing
I found your entry very thought provoking – great conversation catalyst!