Friends with Benefits: One Step Closer
Recently I wrote an article about the concept of ‘friends with benefits,” and how, even though it sounded good in theory, I was skeptical if could translate into real life for most people.
This past weekend, however, I think I got a few steps closer to having such a relationship. How? It was simple actually: I just came right out and talked to him about it.
You see, on Friday night I found myself talking to Chad. Who’s Chad? Why Chad is the lovely man I met and dated over a year ago, who helped me discover a shocking new sexual talent. I’d always known that Chad and I would never be relationship material. But nonetheless, we’d fallen into bed a handful of times since then, the most recent being a couple of months ago. Bottom line was: we had great sex. It kept drawing us back together. Plus, we laughed a lot when we were together – we were very relaxed.
So when he contacted me this past Friday night, I just came right out and asked him. “Are you and I what you’d call, “friends with benefits?” I wanted to know what FwB was from his perspective: had he had one before, what it entails to him, if he’s comfortable with it, etc.
After much discussion, he finally said: “I don’t think you and I have seen each other enough up to this point to be called friends with benefits. But we could change that. You and I really click in bed, don’t we? And we get along great. I’m game!” And just like that, a door opened. I now know I have a special friend to call in times of ’need’ and vice versa.
Now I’m wondering: Why didn’t I ever just come right out and asked him about this in the first place? If I had, perhaps I could have saved myself some very frustrating nights alone! Maybe the key to making a FwB relationship even possible is be forthcoming right from the start. Otherwise, they might never get off the ground.
It’s not like we have our ‘relationship’ clearly mapped out from here on in. But as I continue exploring this FwB arrangment with him, a few things are clear about us:
1) we openly talk about other people we date or have dated, and discuss issues related there unto
2) we openly talk and laugh about other things
3) he knows I don’t want serious
4) the sex continues to be dynamite and he continues to teach me more and more about my body
5) I feel respected by him and treat him so as well
Might there be a few bumps ahead of us? Maybe. Am am I worried or concerned about it whatsoever? No. And maybe THAT mindset, along with a few magical g-spot orgasms, will help me bring this ‘myth’ to life.
Other Articles:
“Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still Online?”, One Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers, Do You Judge Me Harshly When I Write About Sex?
7 comments
Yep, exactly. That’s what I did when I had a FWB. Now… he has a girlfriend. Boo…
Enjoy him Delaine!
This is good news! I hope it works out. I *think* that I want the same thing, too, but I’m scared that I’ll get emotionally attached. And that’s definitely something I don’t want in my life right now. Hmm. Part of me says ‘go for it’, but the concept freaks me out a little bit. Keep us posted!
D
I just had sex with an amazing woman this weekend.I have been divorced 4 2 months and did not date when me and da x were seperated which was 11 months. the ironic thing is that i felt bad abt it, as if i was cheating on my x. and to top it off i kept comparing her to my x wife. is this normal ??
FWB, maybe later i guess i still need to grieve.
I think coming right out and saying what you want would make a big difference. That’s not something I’ve done thus far though; I always felt too awkward. Thanks for the tip!
rm – Being with someone else after years of marriage is really nerve-wracking. I still remember my nerves during my first time – and YES, some alcohol was required to help me relax.
I think it’s totally natural for it to bring up mixed feelings, not necessarily while in the throes of actually having sex, but beforehand and in the aftermath. Yes, perhaps you still need to grieve, but it is my opinion that getting back out there helps move the process forward. We have to allow comparisons and emotions to run through us…and instead of standing in judgment of them, recognize that we’re going through a huge change. In other words, mentally reframe any awkwardness or negativity we feel as being a necessary discomfort that we WILL get over.
Fymarbulous – I think most people worry about emotions getting involved, and that’s one of the main reasons these relationships collapse. In my case, there are things about ‘us’ that would never work beyond this kind of arrangement. For example, he’s 37, not into kids, and very used to his single, bachelor, self-centered lifestyle (not meaning that in a negative way – it just IS). Ummm – I HAVE THREE kids! lol Thus, I would never consider allowing myself to become attached to him, I don’t care how great we get along or how wonderful the sex is. There is a place in dating/sex for the brain to take centre stage. I didn’t get out of a limiting marriage only to find myself with the same challenges in the next relationship. Make sense?
I have recently begun a sexual relationship with a much younger man – he is 29 I am 42.I was up front with him from the very beginning. We have been enjoying each other’s company now for two weeks. Both of us know exactly what we want out of this right now: sex. We get along very well sexually and I am having a very good time. Honesty is the best policy, it really is. I lucked out finding a man right now who can satisfy my needs, and from what he tells me,I satisfy his.
I have basically all guy friends, who are all attractive, who are all wonderful guys. There is one, however, in particular that I have my eye set on. I just got out of a terribly long relationship.
so the problem comes in the proposition (sounds like ho-ing when phrased like that though :/) with an altered FwB. No facebook relationship status (those are just terrible) no dates, no anniversary gifts or dates to remember. no telling. The only thing I would want is to be sexually exclusive for health reasons (condoms can’t stop everything, all the time). establish an easy escape clause for both parties and a possible amendment for things to get serious.
this all sounded great in my head. What red-blooded man could turn down such a deal? I started the conversation via text as a joke. playing around with the idea with him, see if he took the bait. and then i outright asked. only to get a “whoah, chill out”
my friends say that i’m being too aggressive, that I’m being too easy, open and forward. News to me because my experience with men is that you have to spell it out in bold blazing letters for them to get the damned picture.
I have two options now: pretend I never said anything or I can be more persuasive in person (with full on man-hunting gear). Should I take the rejection (and forget about it) or try a different route?