Why Must She Doubt Herself Throughout Her Divorce?
Lena, 32, is grappling right now; her head is swimming, her stomach’s in a knot. She’s scared, she’s angry with her ex, but above all, she’s frustrated with HERSELF. Why? Because she’s still have trouble saying/admitting that her ex-husband behaves like a selfish, immature bully, even though that’s exactly what he is. She can’t stand thinking this way about anyone; it seems so unenlightened. She wants to focus on people’s ‘light,’ and give them the benefit of the doubt…
Her best friend has listened to her defend her ex-husband for years. “You don’t know all the good stuff about him,” Lena argued. “He has so many wonderful qualities. He has so much potential.”
“Of course he has wonderful qualities Lena,” she’s replied. “You wouldn’t have married him otherwise. But they don’t erase his Dark Side. Men can be upstanding citizens and philanthropists and go home at night and beat their wives. Does all their altruistic work excuse their beating their wives to the pulp? No.”
“That’s a severe comparison – he doesn’t beat me!”
“Not with his fists, but with his words and through other actions, ” she argued. “And you need to stop making excuses for him. He has to held responsible for all the choices he makes, all of who he is…”
Lena saw the truth in her best friend’s words, but even now, almost one year into the divorce, Lena grapples with ‘calling a spade a spade.” She over-empathizes, over-analyzes and over-sympathizes, to the point where she puts her truth and her Self at risk. She fears being too judgemental. She fears hurting someone else in her anger or selfishness. She fears conflict. And in the end, she bows down and put others’ needs before her own.
I wonder how many Lena’s there are out there. Anyone?
4 comments
I’m much the same way – I have a hard time thinking poorly of anyone I care about at all and tend to downplay the unflattering parts of who they are and make excuses for harmful or irresponsible things they do. And this is just in my head! When it comes to speaking out loud to someone else, it’s even harder to be honest about other people’s failings.
I think it’s partially the way our society teaches women to be forgiving and not critical and always empathetic and I know in my case, it’s also a cultural thing with how I was raised. My father was Chinese and family pride is extremely important – you don’t let outsiders know that things are anything but perfect. I remember my dad being upset when I talked to my best friend about my parents’ divorce, just as an example of how extreme this was, and it’s very deeply ingrained, even today.
It’s really hard to get to the point where you can be honest to yourself and others about the failings of those you care about, without the guilt and instinct to defend them. I struggle with that regularly. But you’re right – some times you have to call a spade a spade. The consequences of not doing so can be steep.
I deal with the exact same thing too. I wonder where the line is between speaking my truth and being a nasty bitch. Maybe we have to act like one to speak it sometimes…I don’t know.
Oh those sleepless nights. The brain just doesn’t turn off. How I wish for the days back in my twenties when I could sleep through anything, anytime. Now it’s like part of me, maybe my hurting me, never goes to sleep.
Great blog. I am of course, divorced and dating, dating a chick thats divorced with kids. Its a bit messy, but its going well.
Follow my expierience
http://www.a-second-try.blogspot.com
Brandon