Silly & Soulful, all in single mom’s night alone
On our nights alone without kids, we have choices: what to do, who to talk to, and most importantly, how to feel. I will be honest with you – for months after getting divorced, I spent many a night alone grieving. The stretches of time in front of me served as feeding time for my inner demons and the processing of my marriage’s death. But now, looking over my shoulder, mental snapshots of that Old Delaine only serve as reminders as to how far I’ve come, how strong a woman I am, and how I’m truly OK with being on my own.
Besides talking to few girlfriends on the phone tonight, I’ve been totally alone. And I’ve felt good. In part that was due to a couple of glasses of wine. (And no – it’s not a habit) But tonight, since none of my friends were available to go out, I thought “Why not?” I’ll have my own private party – just Me, Myself and I.
So because this was a party and alcohol was involved, it had to include some dancing – done in my office, with a bunch of my favorites music videos cranked high. If anyone was watching me they’d have thought I was a total butthead…but I didn’t care. I sang along at the top of my lungs and shimmied like there was no tomorrow. It just felt so good to move…and to be in my own skin.
But towards 3 a.m. tonight, I came across a sad music video that moved me a great deal. It’s in Spanish (by Shakira) so I didn’t even know what she was singing. But something in her voice and her eyes, something in the melody of the song really resonated with me. And I watched it about 20 times. Seriously.
And it was the strangest thing – cause I didn’t feel sad as I watched and listened to it; for I had no tears to cry. And yet some soulful feeling kept tugging and pulling on me – there seemed a sensuality to her pain, a movement in her sadness of heart, that to me felt tremendously empowering.
A woman’s ability to feel is her greatest gift – though at times it seems her greatest enemy. All life, all movement and change, swirl around her and she blends with it, both breathing it in and feeding it. And whether she is hurting, feeling dynamite, or anywhere in between, all is captured and reflected in her soul. And I realize that the suffering I’ve endured these past two years hasn’t stolen from me, rather added to me, making me more of Delaine, more multi-dimensional, and more solidly the real Delaine. That alone is truly worth celebrating.
K, it’s now 5 a.m. and I can’t figure out how to embed this video – but here’s the link to Shakira’s song, “NO.”