Being Tested Not to “Settle”: A Reoccurring Lesson for a Divorced Mom
In a previous article, I wrote openly about how I’d been chatting with a man who unexpectedly, yet honorably, told me he has herpes. I was trying to decide if I should even bother to meet him in person…
Early Friday evening arrived. (I was suppose to meet him later) All dressed up and feeling fabulous, I went, as planned, over to my girlfriend’s house for a vision board party with some of my great girlfriends. And as the wine flowed and we dove into chocolate cupcakes, my best friend Hali asked me: “SO…are you going to meet him later?”
I smiled and shook my head. “No, I figure it’s just not worth the risk. Especially given where my head is at these days… If I were ready for serious I’d probably consider it. But I just want to keep exploring myself and to enjoy my freedom; no complications.”
I shifted in my bar stool and shook my head. “I’m stll irritated though. I finally meet a guy that I’m kind of into, AND he’s a Dom, but he damn well has herpes! Am I going to have to wait ANOTHER year before I get to explore this Dominant/submissive stuff or what? It’s frustrating! Good looking Doms don’t come along every day.”
She replied matter-of-factly: “You will meet another Dom Delaine - one who doesn’t have herpes. I think the universe is just testing you.”
“Testing me?” I replied whimsically. “Or teasing me?”
“NO, you were being tested. This scenario is no different from the kinds of tests you faced last year when you were running around with your heart on your sleeve desperately trying to find love.”
“What?” I asked confused. This made no sense to me. Sure, when I first got divorced my attitude towards dating and sex was way different than it is now. Sure I was frantically trying to fill up the whole in my heart and looking for ‘any’ man to give me a sense of self-worth. But those days were long past; that insecure Delaine had grown a backbone.
Hali continued: “Don’t you see? It has everything to do with settling for less than you deserve. A year ago you would have easily lost your Self in another relationship had you been given the chance because that was your habit – you did it all throughout your marriage and would have done the same again. If you’d decided to date this man with herpes and put you health at risk, you’d have been settling for less again. ” She put her wine glass down at looked me in the eyes: “At the core, this situation is no different: it’s about believing you deserve the best and not settling for less. You were being tested.“
I sat there moth agape. Slowly,I began nodding my head; she was right.
Hali continued: “The universe continues to test us Delaine. No matter how far we think we’ve come, there are deep issues that we confront over and over and over again to make sure we REALLY got it.” She smiled. “And you ‘got’ this one; you passed the test. Congratulations.”
I then spent the next six hours having the time of my life, chatting and laughing with my girlfriends. “Yeah,” I thought as looked around the room of my friends. “He was a test. And I did pass. And this time tonight with my girlfriends was what I really needed, NOT a date with him.”
9 comments
You made the right choice Delaine! I’m relieved and proud of you for not going. Don’t EVER settle girl. It’s way too easy to sell ourselves short! You deserve way better.
You made the right choice Delaine! I’m relieved and proud of you for not going. Don’t EVER settle girl. It’s way too easy to sell ourselves short! You deserve way better.
It is a test and you passed .Don’t ever accept less then you are worth. If you do in the end you wont be happy anyway .I know especially after being married for a long time you miss having someone in your life just make sure that someone is the right one …:)
Christine
It is a test and you passed .Don’t ever accept less then you are worth. If you do in the end you wont be happy anyway .I know especially after being married for a long time you miss having someone in your life just make sure that someone is the right one …:)
Christine
This blog is quite a read! Too bad you aren’t in Orange County, California.
It amazes though how settling for less becomes a habit. In hindsight I see how I’ve always chosen to focus on the ‘light’ in people, see their good points, to the point I’d make excuses for their bad points and suffer for it.
I worry that I’m too focused on men’s bad points now, like I’ll find negativity because I’m letting it shadow my thinking. But I am where I am…all I know is that I’ve never been in this place before. So maybe it’s a healthy stage in the divorce recovery process.
Delaine
I agree fullheartedly. It was a test and I’m glad that you didnt fall for it. I can’t say that I was in a simulair situation but I share the feeling of just being divorced and wanting to go for the next best thing that drops by, but even that is a phase that we all have to go through and realise that “You know what?” I deserve better!!! Especially if their are kids involved. I’ve seen so many women settling with guys that doesnt even like their kids, or treat them in a lovable and respectable manner.
So because I love my kid so much, she deserves much much better then her mom settling down for someone that is just not meeting her standards.
Well said to Hali!!
This guy could have been everything you’re looking for. Why dismiss someone without giving them a chance because they were honest about herpes?
Hmm. I am a soon-to-be-single woman with genital herpes and I certainly don’t think it’s healthy to view myself as “less than.” If someone chooses to get into a relationship with me, they are not “settling for less”. I’m a great person, a great mother, a great friend. My GH has no bearing on that.
Also, how can you be certain that every person you’ve met up until this point has been honest with you? I’m with Gwen on this. Don’t put people down for things they can’t control.