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I’ve been talking to a man for the past few weeks via email and over the phone. And surprisingly, I’ve grown to quite like him (a surprise since I don’t tend to get excited about men beyond sex these days.) He’s smart, handsome, spiritually on the same page as me, and most importantly, we simply ’connect.’
But there’s one other reason why my attraction to him is strong: he’s a Dom. Yeah, as in Dominant / submissive. I’ve only ever played with D/s once and it was over a year ago. But it is an aspect of myself and my sexuality that continues to titilize AND frustrate me. My body melts at the thought of where it may lead me, but my brain argues that nothing in real life could equal such fantasies. So I’ve tried to shove it down and ignore it …until I started talking to him.
But two nights ago as we talked on the phone, he told me has herpes. He said he’s had it for twenty years and has only ever given it to one other person: his ex-wife. He says his outbreaks are rare and very mild when they occur; they’re nothing like the gory photos on pamphlets in STD clinics. “If something sexual were to happen between us, you don’t have to worry about contracting it,” he said firmly. “I know my body, I can feel an outbreak coming on, and I’d know not to have sex with you.”
I was pretty freaked out. My brain rushed to retrieve its limited data on herpes and assess what my chances were of catching it if we had protected sex. At the same time, however, I felt disappointed and kind of mad: I’d finally met an interesting man, who was ALSO a Dom, but he damn well had herpes!
So now I’m thinking I won’t meet him at all; we’d planned to meet for our first date this Friday night. I’m trying to make a rational, smart decision here. And my brain says that I don’t want to be involved with someone with herpes unless it’s in a long term relationship. And even though I like this man, I doubt I’m ready for serious. Even though I bet we’d have mind-blowing sex, it’s not worth a lifetime of battling an STD. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my fear of contracting it would seriously hinder our sexual enjoyment, not to mention how much time I’d waste worrying about it afterwards.
It’s just so darn frustrating. Finding a man I connect with is one hard task, finding one that is also a Dom is excruciating. But I know I’ve come way too this past year and half to take a potentially harmful risk. (sigh) He’s just another man Delaine. Move on.
It’s good that he told you…I have to give him that. But I’d be freaked out too and run far far away. Not worth the risk to me regardless of the great sex you may have had.
Your blog is an important reminder though about what STDs are out there. Very scary. And humbling.
I agree with your brain…it is just not worth it. You’re a beautiful girl…keep looking, you will find this opportunity with a healthy man.
Ouch, that really sucks. I agree, the risk of contracting an STD (especially one that can’t be cured) from a casual sexual relationship just doesn’t seem worth it, and no matter how well he knows his body, there’s always the possibility that he sheds the virus between outbreaks. I’d probably take a pass on the relationship, as I’d be stressing out about it every time we had sex and it would always be in the back of my mind.
Though, there’s always the possibility of pursuing a sexual relationship without the actual penis-in-vagina sex. There’s quite a lot of things you can do in a D/s relationship beyond just the sex (as any pro-dom will tell you.) That may not be satisfying to you, though. But it’s a possibility to consider.
I’ve thought about ‘playing’ Anlina without actually having intercourse. But it still worries me… Moreover, as time wore on and we got more and more into it, I think we might be prone to ‘want more’ and take heat-of-the-moment risks. I’d have a hard time forgiving myself for putting sex before my health.
We’ll see. A part of me still says, “Oh just go out on one date with him.” And now it turns out my ex is taking the kids for the weekend so it would be great timing. Man oh man, I need to keep reminding myself I’m not desperate and sex-crazed!
Thanks for your comments ladies.
We have instincts for a reason. You can quite literally contract herpes even if he is not having an outbreak. Herpes can lead to blindness at the very least. Listen to your instints on this one, I promise you will not regret it.
herpes can lead to blindness at the very least?? uh, no. At the very least he has it & you may not even catch it. But, go blind from it? That’s a possibility, but not what will DEFINITELY happen, no way. I have herpes & I, like your Dom, have few outbreaks….can’t even remember the last one. I’m on a prescription that suppresses the outbreaks, if I miss my prescription, I will have an outbreak, but most of the time, I don’t. And, I’ve never given it to anyone (that I know of). I’m sure someone would call me if I did.
And, if he’s responsible enough to tell you before having even met you, then he’s responsible enough to wrap that sucker, which will prevent it from spreading. Once again, not 100% guaranteed, but your chances of catching it are slim. I say go for it! Life’s about having fun. Besides, do your research, it’s probably one of your least worries. If you’re considering having sex with him without a condom, he could have HIV & NOT know it. So…needs a condom anyway, in my opinion.
Let him alone
My sense is that he’s downplaying his STD - maybe it’s cause he’s lived with it for 20 years and is use to it, or maybe it’s cause it truly hasn’t affected his life much. All I know is that if I contract it, my case may become much more severe than his; who knows how my body might react? I know he’s slept with other women who have herpes - he said “every other” woman he’s been with had it (to prove his point that it’s everywhere). Man, that just freaks me out even more. Guess that’s the reality of dating and sex again post-divorce!
This is one of the scary realities of dating in this day and age .STD’s in general have become quite prevalent .I would think long and hard about this .There are suppressive drugs that help minimize breakouts .Here is the problem they say the days before an outbreak is the time you are the most apt to pass it on .You don’t know when that is until you have already been exposed. .
Condoms can not completely protect you from herpes or for that matter HPV which is another STD that has now been linked to cervical ,cancer .
PLZ dont put your health at risk .Just say NO
Christineeee
Christine
It’s good he tell you. But here is my advice to you - if you don’t want married, this is not for you. Run baby!