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So something happened this past weekend that she’s been hesitant to vocalize. Why? Cause she did something awful to a man. No - like REALLY mean. She thinks she might be going through an anger phase…? Nonetheless, she’s putting it ‘out there’ cause she needs to be honest in all respects.
She’s dated this guy intermittently over the past five months. They quickly became friends when their kids began playing together, and it didn’t take long for their mutual attraction to develop. Nonetheless, she clearly told him from the get-go that she didn’t want anything serious - this was just a casual friendship with a bit of (hopefully) great sex. He eagerly said he was totally gun ho.
The first time they had sex, his penis was flaccid out of the starting gate. “I always get nervous with new women,” he said sheepishly. “And truth is, you’re way wilder than I’d expected.” She smiled and pretended it was no big deal, choosing instead to get to work and make him rise up. Rocket readied for launch, they had fun.
Four out of the next five times they were together, however, his penis was still flaccid at the start. Frustrated, she brought it up with a couple of girlfriends over dinner. “It happens to every man at some point,” they reminded her. Guiltily, she shoved her annoyance inside.
But fast forward to last Sunday. She was without kids, super pent up, and her body was screaming for sex. No - like SCREAMING. So how thrilled was she when he unexpectedly paid her a house visit.
But once AGAIN, as things heated up, she ravenously went down below only to find his limp, small penis. “Oh for F*** sake!” She thought angrily as she went about ‘things.’ But suddenly all her passion down below turned to fire in her chest; it was pushing on her throat. She was either going to smack him, yell at him, or say something…
Climbing up on top of him, she looked him straight in the eyes and said with complete disgust: “Why in the hell are you always flaccid?”
Shocked, he stammered: “I don’t know. I mean, I’m turned on. I just get nervous…and tired…You could make me hard…?”
To which she coldly replied: “Well it’s a complete TURN OFF. ” At which point, she got up, went downstairs, and ignored the sound of him upstairs making his way out.
Downstairs in her office, she paced and fumed. She was horrified with what she had just done and yet she was so mad! He’d SAID he justed want sex, he’d SAID he could ’bring it on’ and ‘rock her world,’ yet when push came to shove, he totally crumbled - not just once, but FIVE TIMES!
She knew she’d treated him repulsively - truly, that was a really low-blow. “But for God’s sake,” she thought. “If the fire’s too hot, don’t damn well try and play with it! Cause I don’t care about you bringing me chocolates and phoning to say you’re thinking of me, I just wanted SEX. What part of that did you not understand?”
Her mind is totally at war over the whole episode. It’s like a Good Girl/Bad Girl morality debate. And even though she’s since called him to apologize profusely, a part of her feels no remorse. In fact, that part of her actually feels satisfied for having spoken her mind.
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Wow girl…
Yeah, you’re definitely in dire need of a Dom.
I would imagine that you probably won’t be hearing from him anymore. Poor guy.
Then again, it sounds like you definitely needed to honor yourself by speaking up.
I’m wondering, if you’re like me, that there isn’t something deeper underneath the extreme need for sexual satisfaction.
I am still looking into that myself…
I agree it was unkind and while I’m not going to laud or justify what you did, I don’t think the feelings you experienced are unique or terrible.
In a relationship that is first and foremost about sex, being repeatedly disappointed in the bedroom - not just by poor performance but by a lack of any apparent arousal from your partner is frustrating, upsetting and a little bit humiliating.
I’ve been with a couple of guys who just couldn’t get an erection and while intellectually I realize that “it happens to everyone eventually” and that it wasn’t necessarily “me”, it didn’t make any difference in my visceral emotional reaction.
Being in bed with a guy whose body doesn’t respond to you makes you feel like crap. It makes you feel unsexy and embarrassed. It makes you wonder why you are there if his body doesn’t seem to want to be. And it makes you angry that you’re in a situation that should have been incredibly hot and just ended up making you feel bad. It’s disappointment, and we don’t want to be let down when it comes to such a basic physical need as sex.
Should you vent your anger? It’s probably not the mature, kind, compassionate thing to do. It’d probably be more polite and appropriate to tell him that it’s okay and it doesn’t matter and that you can enjoy each other in other ways. It’d probably also be a lie.
Is there a good way to deal with a situation like this - being conscious of your partner’s feelings while being true to your own? Maybe not… Though, just because being upset isn’t the “right” way to react, it doesn’t invalidate the internal emotional response either.
Anlina
http://abnormalloveofcats.com
Have you considered that the man in question may have been on a medication that is at the root of the problem?
Not only are 40+ aged women - millions of them - on SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) - antidepressants - but so are MANY men. I didn’t realize that until I began dating in my 40s, 3 years after my marriage ended. And antidepressants are not the only medications that can cause reduced libido (in men and women) as well as reduced performance.
In other words, the spirit may have been willing, but the flesh simply couldn’t accommodate. So while he said he was “nervous,” perhaps there were other issues as well, that were physical.
I have no idea if this was the case - but it is one explanation that takes some of the sting out of the situation. And something we ALL need to keep in mind if we are dating 40+ men (a generalization - but a reasonable rule of thumb).
I think the “medications” conversation - ever so gently - is one that women need to have with potential sexual partners, if for no other reason than to make sure that whatever level of libido you find yourself maintaining can be matched to a compatible level in your playmate or lovemate.
Delaine, I read your short story from thenovelette.com and I saw similarities between that story and this one.
Yes, you went overboard in how reacted to his perfromance but I really feel your frustration with men who pretend to be great lovers but truly aren’t. As women our first reaction is to feel sorry for them and make their ‘pain’ go away. But if your relationship is suppose to be sex only, I think you have a right to be irked.
As much as I feel bad for this man (GOD - he must have been SHOCKED!) I must admit I laughed too. Chalk it down to learning and yeah - maybe look into a Dom.:)
Interesting parallel you brought up with my piece on the novelette Mel. I wonder if THAT experience helped set the stage for this one, difference being I didn’t wait till after he left before getting mad. Hmmmm, most interesting…
Thanks for your thoughtful response Anlina. I was kind of expecting to be attacked on here for what I did, and I sense that you get that I’m trying to figure myself out and step into my power, not bash men for fun.
And T - yes *grin, I think I do need a Dom. And I’m hoping I might have found one…
In all seriouness though T it feels good to know I’m not the only one going through changes and this intense exploration phase. It’s hard to explain what I’m feeling or what is motivating me at this stage. But I keep thinking that further down the road, time will reveal things to me…incredible things. But for now, it’s just one careful yet wild step at a time.
i totally understand where ur coming from im at the same stage in my life, my first friend with benefits lover was out of this world but i didnt want to stay with him to long coz i felt that feeling may creep into it. but i have found that guys say that they are masters in the bedroom and can go for hours on end and when they dont measure upto what they have said ,they put it down to the fact that im to wild or that im expecting to much .they say this after ive given them a fantastic blowjob and all im wanting is for them to give me pleasure in return .i think some guys cant handle that women are able to now say what it is that they want and what they need in the bedroom .
im loving ur site Delaine and i can see alot off me in ur stories and things im going though
I can honestly say that I havnt had many such experiences….it only happend once and I wasnt even really into this guy….goodness knows why I had sex with him but I did. Anyhow long story short, I want a guy that is good in bed! Period! Especially if it is totally sex related. If you gonna brag about how good you are in bed, you better give me a show to remember!! :))
Maybe it wasnt that harsh, I mean men hold no punches when they tell you that you suck at a blowjob…..so why should you hold back if he is gonna be all nervous like he is 16 or something then that is his problem!
A guys point of view:
I’m new to this dating scene after 24 years with the same woman. The first few times I was intimate in this new life, I was certainly nervous, and felt some degree of guilt. After all, I had made a vow, years earlier, and here I was, in my mind, breaking it. My ex had left months before, (obviously having nor problem beaking the same vows.)
My problem wasn’t getting it up, it was getting off. I was nervous about my performance, about my now 49 year old body, all sorts of things. Fortunately, my “rebound girl” was patient, kind, and helped me get over all the anxiety.
Delaine’s lover may have found her intimidating, he may not have had as much experience as he claimed, he may have had doubts about his own abilities. When a guy is with a new woman, actually any woman, he’s worried about all the things he has read on websites like this. He’s thinking, “Is my dick big enough, how do I compare to the last guy, am I doing this right, what does she want that she’s not telling me, either verbally or with her own body and gestures.” Ladies. we men get scared, but of course we can’t admit it, because you often see that as a sign of weakness.
After several sessions with Delaine, the guy should have been relaxed enough that the sex came naturally, (no pun intended-well maybe intended). Perhaps he just isn’t into her that much, or maybe he has someone else he feels tied to. The biggest sex organ in the body is the brain, so use it and ask the guy.
When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.
You are going somewhere from which you cannot return, and it is an ugly place.