Divorce Pain: Alone Without Kids for the First Time
“My ex-husband took the kids for the first time this weekend. And my heart is so heavy.”
This message awaited me from a newly-divorcing friend on Facebook this morning. She was floundering, her free time only reminding her how empty and confused she felt.
I read her message with a tight chest: I remember…
Three years ago, my own divorce journey began and my-ex started taking our three kids for sleepovers. I remember the surrealness of the First Time: carefully packing their clothes, writing out a list of activities and reminders, reassuring my kids with the biggest, fake smile ever: “You’re going to have SO much fun with daddy.”
And then ‘he’ was at the door, lurking in the foyer, not invited in, but here to do ‘pick up.’ Me explaining a few things from the list, my voice too cheery, him not looking at me, while little feet scrambled around to put on shoes and jackets, The tearful hugs goodbye, again more reassurances, that over-happy voice I used calling out “Bye! I love you!” Standing in the doorway, watching my kids walk away, waving and smiling as if they were going out for ice cream.
Then, stepping back into the house – into silence. A silence so eerie I felt I’d landed on a different planet. I put away dishes and paced around. I noticed every toy, every belonging of my children. Here it was – the free time I never had as a single mom. But it felt empty – ominous. Oh my God, this is really happening. And I buckled to the floor in tears.
I’d naively thought that making the final decision to divorce would be the hardest part of the journey – it had taken me three years to swallow that choice. But of course, divorce is not a decision but a process, one full of many ‘firsts’ that eat you up inside: like the ex taking the kids for the first sleepover. Those first times are first steps, followed by second steps and thirds. And oftentimes, without warning, you take two steps backwards…back into pain, back into the heartache from which there seems no escape or cure.
I sat down at my computer in a frenzied state of purpose: my girlfriend, my fellow warrior, had fallen on her path in the Wilderness of divorce. And even though I knew that she, and only she, could navigate her way out of that hellhole, I knew she needed me – someone a bit further along the path – to help her regain her footing.
4 comments
I found your website on d360 and find it awesome. I’m a divorced 39 yr old man with 3 kids which stay with their mother. Final was about 46 days ago. We share similarities. I have one question though. Do you have any regrets because you filed for divorce?
Hi rm – I can’t say I have regrets per say but I do have moments of grave sadness. I’ve also wondered many times, ‘what if…?’
But I think that, in part, was my clinging to my ‘old life’ because it didn’t seem as scary as my unknown future (divorced single mom of three) and the new challenges I now confront. Also, I don’t hate my ex – not at all – in fact, I still think highly of him in some ways AND I remember many happy memories with him. But just becasue I remember good stuff, doesn’t discount all the reasons why our marriage fell apart – THAT was real too.
It’s easy for our hearts to get swept backwards and our minds to play tricks on us. It really takes every ounce of courage within us. Like I said in another blog comment to you, divorce is a wilderness of spiritual tough-love. And we have to have faith that the pain and chaos will subside and from the depths of rock bottom, we will climb out stronger and happier. We lose it all, to evenutally reconstruct and get it back plus some.
XO
Delaine
I am completely lost without my son. I had him every night and would drop him off to sitters or his mom depending on work schedule. Then she met a guy and moved to the state capital. I wasn’t mad at her, I know she was only tiring to get her life right also. The first night he wasn’t here, I regretted everything that went wrong with the marriage, I missed him so much. I didn’t sleep, worked dragged along and then home alone again. I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t know what to do. What do I do?
Oh Sammy. I feel your pain and wish there something magical I could say that would make it all go away. But I think we need to sit and move through pain at our pace. It really is a process and it WILL get easier; time will show its mercy. But I fear my saying that is like me shoving pom poms in your face and screaming Gooooo Sammy! In other words, it’s OK to feel really sad about it. It sucks. It fucking hurts like hell. It calls everything into question including the decision to divorce. It’s grief. And you aren’t alone, if there is any moticum of solace in that.
If you need to talk one-on-one Sammy, please contact me at delaine@iamdivorcednotdead.com.
XO
Delaine