It wasn’t until ’she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him… 

…until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “I think he’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  - who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.”” (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

His comments caught me totally off guard:

We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ’spice.’  And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”

But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up. 

First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’   Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with:  “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”

But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t, but his divorcing friend Bob DID.  And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?  (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I dare say I’ve had an epiphany in the relationship department; a giant revelation around what I ultimately need.  And though it may seem an obvious component to you, I’m afraid  it’s something I’ve never had before.  And I can’t help but grin cause it came via a most unusual source.

Do you remember my Handsome Good Man?  He’s the widower I met online over a year ago that I continue to write to to this day.  I’ve never met him, never heard his voice, and never will.  But through our most unexpected relationship, which is cyber alone, he has helped lift me out of my divorce grief and overcome my anger towards men.  Moreover it is a result of our online relationship that this revelation dawned on me:  he became my first ever male friend.

When I look back on all my past relationships with men, I can’t say we’ve ever truly been friends.  Sounds funny, doesn’t it?  I mean, we talked and did things together and acted like friends on the surface.  But did I really feel understood and valued and free to be 100% me?  Honestly?  No.  In part that was because I didn’t know myself.  But it also came from jumping into bed too early, and desperately WANTING to be in love; I was in love with the idea of love.  And as for the men I dated since divorcing, the opposite was true – I desperately wanted NOT to love…so friendship beyond anything superficial was out of the question. (Read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him?  Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:  

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.” (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

By Guest Writer, Malou

I have been living a life short of a fairy tale until that fateful day last year. A job, a wonderful husband, a delightful daughter, a big house complete with a garden, a whole room dedicated just for my clothes and shoes….I was a princess!! The only thing missing was a dog and a couple of adopted children and we would have rivaled Angie and Brad on that magazine cover.

The lone factor that cast a shadow on this, otherwise, idyllic picture was that I didn’t feel like I was in a fairy tale. I felt more like the frog than the princess. Friends wanted to trade lives with me while I wanted to trade with them.

To have everything but to feel like you have nothing is a dreadful. I was awash with feelings of guilt for being ungracious of all the blessings I have, but at the same time, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was looking for something. And there is nothing worse than looking for something without an inkling of what it is you’re looking for. To demand answers but not have the questions. I was, so to speak, utterly, inexplicably, absolutely lost.

Only after a certain period of reflection did I realize that it was my own spirit shouting release. It was crying out to me from the depths of my being. For my spirit was empty. My soul was parched dry. I was looking for meaning. For purpose. Something bigger than the mundane life that I was living. I was not just lost. I was gone. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise:  his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room.   “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually.  “I tried calling you earlier.  Didn’t you get my message?  I didn’t think you’d mind…”

But he did.  In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him.  What if he’d been with another woman?  What if, what if, what if?  But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs.  Still, he ended up saying nothing.  After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’  He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…

Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce:  When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed?  Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex… (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Since separating almost three years ago, my leisurely reading has been very limited and very serious. We’re talking non-fiction and self-help only.   This was for a couple of reasons.  First,  the idea of anything make-believe or romantic repulsed me (I guess experiencing infidelity can have that effect).  Secondly, I had work to do – not only in terms of piecing me and my life back together, but in terms of rising into the role of single mom of three kids AND my new career as an author.  Truly, I felt like Delaine-The-Avid-Reader, who I’d been since I was a teenager, was gone.

But all that changed recently…yessiree, it did.  And you can laugh or roll your eyes if you want, but it was all because a friend of mine gifted me Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga Series: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  That’s right – this pushing-forty, no-time-for make-believe divorcee got hooked and swallowed by characters and a storyline geared at ’young adults’. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I say without shame that over the past two years since divorcing, I’ve felt lows unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  It wasn’t just because of experiencing infidelity, though that full-body shock and heartbreak was excruciating.  There were also many other kinds of ‘lows’: feelings of emptiness….restlessness… loneliness.  And of course the big one: FEAR.

Time and time and time again, I asked myself:  “Why is all this happening to me?” And some calm voice in my head would always respond, “So that you can learn and grow, Delaine.  Just trust that there is a bigger reason for all this; this is not your final destination.”   Most times, I could accept that answer, albeit resignedly.   But sometimes I couldn’t.  And I’d beg, scream, even bargain with the universe to “Chuck me a bone,  damnit!”  I just wanted to FEEL my smile again…

As time moved forward,  so too, came the gentle reprieves: a few weeks would go by, maybe even a month, where I’d feel really good.  But inevitably, that would change: I’d suddenly feel awful again, sometimes in response to an external event, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.  I’d examine my pain for a solution, listen to what it was trying to tell me.  And if no response came, I was even harder on myself and more depressed; a terrible downward spiral.  How many shades of unhappiness are there? I wondered sadly. I’d almost yearn for my old married life, if not for the ’predictability’ of it. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

When you found out your spouse was cheating, were you obsessed with thoughts of revenge?  Throwing all his clothes in a heap on the lawn…slashing his tires…or forwarding copies of his cyber sex sessions to his entire address book?   Maybe your fantasies were more devious – perhaps they involved some Superglue and the bathroom throne.  Or maybe that paste could attach a certain ‘member’ to the inside of his leg…

Well, for anyone who has experienced heart-break of infidelity, a new book called The Down and Dirty Dish On Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold To That Lying,Cheating Bastard offers new insights into how people plan, carry out, and savour revenge on an ex.

Let’s clarify something right away: this is NOT a “how-to guide” on revenge tactics  - though it does include some outlandish revange stories by real people (and famous personalities).  Instead, author Eva Nagorski not only dives into the history of adultery and revenge, she examines the psychology/genetics of people who desire retribution.  She provides experts’ commentary on both the merits and dangers of revenge.  And she also explores how people can ‘keep a lid’ on their vengeful feelings and move on. (read more here)

Bookmark It

Hide Sites