Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise:  his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room.   “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually.  “I tried calling you earlier.  Didn’t you get my message?  I didn’t think you’d mind…”

But he did.  In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him.  What if he’d been with another woman?  What if, what if, what if?  But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs.  Still, he ended up saying nothing.  After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’  He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…

Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce:  When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed?  Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex… (read more here)

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Since separating almost three years ago, my leisurely reading has been very limited and very serious. We’re talking non-fiction and self-help only.   This was for a couple of reasons.  First,  the idea of anything make-believe or romantic repulsed me (I guess experiencing infidelity can have that effect).  Secondly, I had work to do – not only in terms of piecing me and my life back together, but in terms of rising into the role of single mom of three kids AND my new career as an author.  Truly, I felt like Delaine-The-Avid-Reader, who I’d been since I was a teenager, was gone.

But all that changed recently…yessiree, it did.  And you can laugh or roll your eyes if you want, but it was all because a friend of mine gifted me Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga Series: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  That’s right – this pushing-forty, no-time-for make-believe divorcee got hooked and swallowed by characters and a storyline geared at ’young adults’. (read more here)

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I say without shame that over the past two years since divorcing, I’ve felt lows unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  It wasn’t just because of experiencing infidelity, though that full-body shock and heartbreak was excruciating.  There were also many other kinds of ‘lows’: feelings of emptiness….restlessness… loneliness.  And of course the big one: FEAR.

Time and time and time again, I asked myself:  “Why is all this happening to me?” And some calm voice in my head would always respond, “So that you can learn and grow, Delaine.  Just trust that there is a bigger reason for all this; this is not your final destination.”   Most times, I could accept that answer, albeit resignedly.   But sometimes I couldn’t.  And I’d beg, scream, even bargain with the universe to “Chuck me a bone,  damnit!”  I just wanted to FEEL my smile again…

As time moved forward,  so too, came the gentle reprieves: a few weeks would go by, maybe even a month, where I’d feel really good.  But inevitably, that would change: I’d suddenly feel awful again, sometimes in response to an external event, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.  I’d examine my pain for a solution, listen to what it was trying to tell me.  And if no response came, I was even harder on myself and more depressed; a terrible downward spiral.  How many shades of unhappiness are there? I wondered sadly. I’d almost yearn for my old married life, if not for the ’predictability’ of it. (read more here)

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When you found out your spouse was cheating, were you obsessed with thoughts of revenge?  Throwing all his clothes in a heap on the lawn…slashing his tires…or forwarding copies of his cyber sex sessions to his entire address book?   Maybe your fantasies were more devious – perhaps they involved some Superglue and the bathroom throne.  Or maybe that paste could attach a certain ‘member’ to the inside of his leg…

Well, for anyone who has experienced heart-break of infidelity, a new book called The Down and Dirty Dish On Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold To That Lying,Cheating Bastard offers new insights into how people plan, carry out, and savour revenge on an ex.

Let’s clarify something right away: this is NOT a “how-to guide” on revenge tactics  - though it does include some outlandish revange stories by real people (and famous personalities).  Instead, author Eva Nagorski not only dives into the history of adultery and revenge, she examines the psychology/genetics of people who desire retribution.  She provides experts’ commentary on both the merits and dangers of revenge.  And she also explores how people can ‘keep a lid’ on their vengeful feelings and move on. (read more here)

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Do you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again? Are you so accustomed to ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?

Take Chuck for example, a man who recently wrote me asking for counsel around a woman he’s been dating for a month now. Although he really likes this woman, to his chagrin, she doesn’t like receiving oral sex. When he tried to talk to her about it, she closed the conversation and laughed: “Hey, consider yourself lucky – I’ll never make you do it so you’re off the hook.”

Then, to make matters worse, he’s noticed that they can be in the same room for hours without her wanting any kind of physical contact – not even as much as a hug. What do you think of her behavior, Delaine? he asked. “What can I do to make things better?” (read more here)

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Like most women, I’m guilty of it too – that is, I often wear black clothes simply because they’re slimming.  And when we feel slimmer, we often feel better about ourselves, right? 

But what if wearing black next to our faces makes our eyes look dull and our skin blotchy and shadowy?   In other words, what if black on most of us, AGES us? 

According to Leslie Davies, a certified image consultant in Calgary, Alberta who provides image training for companies as well as women going through transitions like divorce, ”Black sucks the energy out of your face.”  Color, on the other hand, not only “has energy and gives you energy”, it can be just as slimming as black, yet WAY more flattering. (read more here)

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Within months of separating from my ex two years ago, I suddenly felt an incredible need to redecorate the master bedroom.   I’m not sure if I did it more as a mental distraction at the time, or if some unconscious part of me knew I needed  to ‘get him out of there” and make a new space just for me.Regardless, redecorating had an astoundingly soothing AND uplifting effect on me.  The master bedroom became MY place to rest and recharge, MY personal space, a reflection of ME …even though just outside the door was a family dream and identity in shambles.

I didn’t have the budget for a major redecorating project.  Nor the heart or energy.  Nonetheless, some major cleaning, some minor purchases, and some fabulous accents completely transformed my bedroom and helped air out my soul.  So here are eight tips for separated women/men to consider…and again, for the soothing energy it brings, I recommend you do it sooner, rather than later.  (read more here)

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This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!). These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards. And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should not be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself. Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her. Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul. (read more here)

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These days you name it and you can find it in gift certificate form – spa treatments, movies, furniture…  But what do you think of the idea of a ‘Divorce Voucher’ as a Christmas gift?’

A few weeks ago, a law firm in England named Lloyd Platt and Company began offering such vouchers as gifts for the holiday season.  For 125 pounds, each voucher is good for one half-hour session of divorce advice with one of their lawyers, quite a savings since they normally charge 325 pounds/hr ($530/hr).  This means that husbands, wives, mistresses, friends, heck – even kids, can nudge the process along by sticking this paid-for service in a loved-one’s Christmas stocking. (read more here)

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This past week, Mother Nature unleashed her winter wrath up here in Calgary, Alberta.  We’re talking large dumps of snow and temperatures than hovered between -25 and -40 C  (that’s -12 to -40 F).  And though I’m accustomed to extreme weather conditions being a born and bred Canuck, something REALLY stood out for me during this cold bout:  awareness of my own mortality…and the effect my death or a serious injury would have on my young children.

I don’t know if it’s because my 40th birthday lies on the horizon that I’ve become increasingly concerned (paranoid?).  It also didn’t help when I heard the story of a woman in her late thirties who hit black ice, flipped her car and today is confined to a wheelchair.  Regardless, I realize that there are matters I need to tie up to protect and care for my kids – just in case.  Here are few points you, too, may need to tend to:  (read more here)

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