It’s been three and a half years since my ex-husband and I split up.  And since then, despite the many dates and mini-relationships I’ve had, I’m still single.  But I don’t think of this as being a ‘bad’ thing ; I think I’ve needed this time – to heal, to grow, to like myself more…and to get a much stronger sense of what a healthy relationship looks/feels like.

That being said, I want to bring up a conversation I shared with a divorced girlfriend the other day; it was a bit of an ‘aha‘ for me and I’m filing it away for reference for when I meet a potential Mr. Right:

My friend suggested that one flashing, yet oftentimes overlooked warning of an unhealthy relationship is when a woman constantly talks about her man’s potential instead of how he is – like right now, day-in day-out.  This woman talks a lot in the ‘future tense’, ie, he will be happy/more loving/more successful/a better father/ spouse when he gets a new job/believes himself more/is less stressed out/ finds his spiritual center etc.   Until he gets ‘there’ – wherever ‘there’ may be, she tolerates his poor treatment of her, buries her unhappiness and hurt (maybe even blames herself for it?), and may even makes excuses for his behavior. (read more here)

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At any point since your marriage ended, have you been inspired to see a tarot card reader or psychic? Cause I have.  A few times, in fact.  I’ve also looked for ‘angel footprints’ and messages from Above – it’s all about needing a bit of faith, isn’t it?  In ourselves, our futures AND the universe we live in?

The first psychic ’session’ I experienced happened soon after I separated from my husband three years ago.  And the strange thing is, she sought ME out, not vice versa:

I was on my first ever trip to Vegas with six close girlfriends.   One afternoon while shopping with the girls, I drifted off from the pack and wandered  into a clock store (no idea why, I had no interest in clocks!).   As I browsed around, I suddenly sensed I was being watched  – and there she was: a petite, dark-haired woman, standing in the middle of an aisle, staring at me.   She kept staring and staring -  I was beginning to wonder if she was “all there” – when she marched right up to me and hissed:  “I can see your aura!  Trust me, I can see things.  You need to know what I see.” 

“O…K”  I said, looking around uneasily. 

“Two things!” she said.  “One, your aura is so dark!  There are men all around you, bad men, men from your past, men coming at you now.  You need to get rid of all this bad male energy, it’s eating you up inside!”

“O…K” I replied again.  She was kinda making sense…

“Two!”  She stepped in close, looking me in the eyes.  “You are going to write a book! It will bring you great joy and be a great success.  You need to stop worrying about money.  Five years from now your life will look so good!”

And at that, she threw up her hands and scurried out of the store. (read more here)

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The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive marriage is when she tries to leave him - that’s when close to 50% of violent crimes are committed, including homocide.  And to drive this point home, American rapper Eminem (with Rihanna) doesn’t mix words in his dramatic new release, Love The Way You Lie.  The rage, the regret, the control patterns - this song portrays it all, finally culminating with these chilling words :

I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

(read more here)

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So I spent the wee hours of last Monday night having a ‘private party’ with just me, a bottle of wine, and Alanis Morrisette.  Of course, she was just playing on youtube… but I’ll tell you, the music from her album, Jagged Little Pill, sure did hit the spot  – especially the song, Ironic.  For you see, further to the last ‘date’ I went on, where the guy turned out to be a complete liar, a similar thing happened again a week later with a DIFFERENT guy! 

This man spent hours talking to me on the phone.  He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me AND he said numerous times that he was looking for a serious relationship.  

But when the day arrived that we were to meet me in person, he didn’t show up.  Not just that, he didn’t even phone!  Nor has he since…just, nothing.

So how is this ironic?  My friend, it’s not because I got duped two times in a row; heck, that happens to the best of us. (read more here)

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Warning: I’m a little scattered today…

I need to ask you something.  Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here.  So here goes:  Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this?  Truly, am I too stupid to get it?   Is it ME?”

Cause I have; or rather I am. 

I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person.  So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective.  I ignore his condescending remarks.  I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic.  I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..

But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in.  And I sit there wracking my brain:  Am I not saying this clearly enough?  Does his perspective overrule my own?  Then, in exasperation:  How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL? (read more here)

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Venturing into the online dating world can feel as scary as trekking through a dark, unknown wood.  Who lurk’eth in the shadows?  we can’t help but wonder.  Maybe “lions & ligers & bears, on my!”

As I set out on last weekend’s first-date ‘adventure,’ I admit I felt both nervous and excited.  Both on the phone and during our IM session, we’d had great chemistry.  Plus, given as he was a dentist and almost all of my family works in medicine, we had a lot in common.  

Sitting in the pub wearing a pretty dress and a fresh coat of lip-gloss, I waved as I saw him come through the entranceway. I stood up as he approached and shook his hand.  “Hi, I’m Amelia,” I said. 

“Wow, you’re so cute!” he said as we both sat down. (read more here)

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Recently, I sat with my emotionally devastated friend Maddie who had just discovered her husband was having an affair.   Why?  When?  How?  Now what?  her brain raced to answer, as she felt her family dream falling to the ground in slow motion.

But it didn’t take long for her to start doing what most of us women do when affairs are exposed: she wondered, Is she prettier than me?  Skinnier?  Sexier? What does she have that I obviously don’t ?

As I sat comforting my friend, I totally understood her looking glass; for when I found out about my ex-husband’s infidelities, I did the same thing: compared myself to his mistress.  And when I saw his lover with my own two eyes, I was shocked at how different-looking she was to me:  volumptuous, dark-eyed and complexioned, with a style of dress that I thought spelled ’skank.’  Nonetheless, I could literally feel myself deflate – her beauty, charisma, and inviting curves far superseded mine…

Ladies, we’re only only human so it’s natural for us, in any kind of love triangle, to compare ourselves physically to the ‘competition.’  Why wouldn’t we when our society has well taught us that so much of our worth correlates to our beauty/thinness/youthfulness?

But I’m here to remind you of a couple of important things – points that perhaps a girlfriend or two have said to you but you couldn’t take in.  Cause getting caught up in the ‘comparisons’ is self-defeating and destructive.  And I don’t want to see you stuck there indefinitely. (read more here)

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As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ’serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there?  Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another. 

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code (espeically rule #1) and keep hormones in check (and YES guys -  women can feel this way too!). 

So what ’should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t. (read more here)

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I’m writing this article with the theme song of the movie Rocky playing in my mind.  For at this very moment, I don’t just feel like Delaine The Divorced Mother who raises her three kids 95% of the time on her own with no help.  No no -  I am a champion; my feet are dancing and my arms are raised in victory.  For it took strength I didn’t know I had, sweat, blood, and yes, even tears -  but in the end, I won: I defeated the insidious Chicken Pox virus that descended upon my children last week  and remain standing!

Perhaps you find it silly that I’m making this into a big deal.  But if you’re a single parent – (not a part-time parent who only has the kids every second weekend but a SINGLE parent) - I know you ’get’ what I’m feeling.  Maybe it wasn’t because of a disease or sickness -  maybe it came in the wake of an unusually insane schedule you miraculously pulled off, a smile you kept on your face for the kids despite the brutal argument you’d had with the ex, giving the kids the best Christmas they’ve ever had despite the odds against you, or maybe even just making it through those final hours before the kids went to bed when you felt like the walking dead. (read more here)

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As I read through his lengthy profile on the dating site, I found myself laughing out loud.  It was written with such good humor that I assumed THIS line was too: 

“What I don’t like:

1) Women who date younger men in the hopes of hiding from the fact they are OLD.
2) Women who judge me cause I date younger women, cause well… let’s face it, I’m cool. LOL

But when I jokingly teased him about these statements, I found out he meant them seriously.   He wrote:

“We all know that women are a lot more mature than men so it’s no big deal for us to date younger.  But when you flip it, the only thing that’s going on is pathetic older women f***ing boys.  That’s sick!”

Now whoa!  That wasn’t just harsh, it was hostile.  And I wondered:  Do a lot of men (perhaps over age 35?) share his sentiments?  Where does this hostility coming from? And  most importantly, can men’s feelings be changed or at least softened?  Cause  I don’t think this social phenomena is going to disappear any time soon… (read more here)

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