Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise: his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room. “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually. “I tried calling you earlier. Didn’t you get my message? I didn’t think you’d mind…”
But he did. In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him. What if he’d been with another woman? What if, what if, what if? But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs. Still, he ended up saying nothing. After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’ He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…
Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce: When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed? Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex… (read more here)













Since separating almost three years ago, my leisurely reading has been very limited and very serious. We’re talking non-fiction and self-help only. This was for a couple of reasons. First, the idea of anything make-believe or romantic repulsed me (I guess experiencing infidelity can have that effect). Secondly, I had work to do – not only in terms of piecing me and my life back together, but in terms of rising into the role of single mom of three kids AND my new career as an author. Truly, I felt like Delaine-The-Avid-Reader, who I’d been since I was a teenager, was gone.
I say without shame that over the past two years since divorcing, I’ve felt lows unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It wasn’t just because of experiencing infidelity, though that full-body shock and heartbreak was excruciating. There were also many other kinds of ‘lows’: feelings of emptiness….restlessness… loneliness. And of course the big one: FEAR.
When you found out your spouse was cheating, were you obsessed with thoughts of revenge? Throwing all his clothes in a heap on the lawn…slashing his tires…or forwarding copies of his cyber sex sessions to his entire address book? Maybe your fantasies were more devious – perhaps they involved some Superglue and the bathroom throne. Or maybe that paste could attach a certain ‘member’ to the inside of his leg…
Do you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again? Are you so accustomed to ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?
Like most women, I’m guilty of it too – that is, I often wear black clothes simply because they’re slimming. And when we feel slimmer, we often feel better about ourselves, right?
Within months of separating from my ex two years ago, I suddenly felt an incredible need to redecorate the master bedroom. I’m not sure if I did it more as a mental distraction at the time, or if some unconscious part of me knew I needed to ‘get him out of there” and make a new space just for me.Regardless, redecorating had an astoundingly soothing AND uplifting effect on me. The master bedroom became MY place to rest and recharge, MY personal space, a reflection of ME …even though just outside the door was a family dream and identity in shambles.
This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!). These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.
These days you name it and you can find it in gift certificate form – spa treatments, movies, furniture… But what do you think of the idea of a ‘Divorce Voucher’ as a Christmas gift?’
This past week, Mother Nature unleashed her winter wrath up here in Calgary, Alberta. We’re talking large dumps of snow and temperatures than hovered between -25 and -40 C (that’s -12 to -40 F). And though I’m accustomed to extreme weather conditions being a born and bred Canuck, something REALLY stood out for me during this cold bout: awareness of my own mortality…and the effect my death or a serious injury would have on my young children.